Below is something I discarded years ago. Feel free to use it.
"Let's say you just dropped a hit of windowpane three hours ago and you're just starting to peak. You know, walls are melting, you're watching the hair grow into the back of your hands, you finally get "Saucerful of Secrets." Then you're crossing a street and you see a giant, throbbing brontosaurus coming toward you and you know you have to fight it or you're never going to come down. So you look around for your magical sword, but it's gone and the brontosaurus is really a milk truck and it's five o'clock in the morning and in the next minute you're dead. Splattered all over the road. Lying there like a piece of firewood."
"That'd be a drag, man," I said, handing the joint back to Jonas. Columbian, but still not great, not at thrity-five an ounce when I was making a buck eighty five at Orange Julius for having to act straight and grind up ice and smile, smile, smile.
"I'm not finished, man," Jonas said. "I'm not even close. The thing is you're dead, right? You're peeking, right? Well, what happens to you when you meet God? Are you still tripping or what? Do you spend all of eternity with acid coursing through your blood and brain and soul? Does heaven have trails when you turn your head? Let's say you 're taken in to see Jesus, all healed up from the crucifixion, do you start to flash back to that Friday afternoon sun when the birds were picking at him and he was dying for all mankind? Would God the Father all of a sudden be like your own father and just seem like a colossal bummer. Since the Bible says that heaven has no time, would your trip ever end or would you just keep on forever at whatever point you were when you died?"
It's scary sometimes how smart Jonas is. He's always thinking about deep stuff and all I ever think about is getting into Kelly Boucher's pants or, if she and I are on the outs, some other girl I met at the mall. Jonas, though, he's like Socrates or Bob Dylan, just keeps churning this stuff out and not even realizing how smart he is. For a fifteen-year-old kid, he is like a national treasure, my treasure, really, because nobody else in this stupid town thinks he's anything more than a geeky punk who smokes too much pot and who talks weird. When we were in eighth grade, he was voted class clown, yet I've never known anyone who was more serious when it came to important things, like feelings and God and music.
"How do you know you'd go to heaven if you were tripping?" I asked. "I mean, God probably isn't really into acid and stuff. I don't think he'd like to have some drooling doper grinding his teeth from strychnine and trying not to laugh or cry."
"You've got to read that Bible I gave you," said Jonas. "God only cares whether you've accepted Jesus as your personal saviour and let him take away your sins. He doesn't care what you've done, as long as you've sincerely asked Jesus into your heart. I've been a Christian since I was eight and I know God is going to take me. Just like the prodigal son, he'll welcome me and have a party.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
A Podcast of Note
I've really enjoyed the Conspiracy Podcast, and am disappointed it ceased podication.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Caretaking Poem
A man attached to the ground,
table hockey with no particular goal,
stares at the ground.
Caretaking. Taking care. Take. Care.
Stone upon stone, stick from path, caretaking.
In a glade, a small, stone bowl
Mud, leaves, muck.
Bend, scrape, pluck.
Clean. Water. Flows.
Blue, cold,warmth, thirst, gone.
A man attached to the ground,
table hockey with no particular goal,
looks up at the sky. A leaf falls.
Into the fountain.
Caretaking.
table hockey with no particular goal,
stares at the ground.
Caretaking. Taking care. Take. Care.
Stone upon stone, stick from path, caretaking.
In a glade, a small, stone bowl
Mud, leaves, muck.
Bend, scrape, pluck.
Clean. Water. Flows.
Blue, cold,warmth, thirst, gone.
A man attached to the ground,
table hockey with no particular goal,
looks up at the sky. A leaf falls.
Into the fountain.
Caretaking.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Assignments to be sorted/edited
Interactive Poetry. Interactive Art.
I’m sure that all of you are familiar with haiku. While there are few hard and fast rules, usually haiku has the following:
1) Three lines
2) 17 syllables
3) An arrangement of 5, 7 and 5 syllables.
Your task as a group is to write haiku to illustrate each of the attached pictures. Please go crazy. While refraining from any inappropriate themes. There will be a second part, but you can’t get to it until you’ve done the first.
Please put each haiku on a separate sheet of typing paper. Thanks.
Also, please focus on the picture not the words. Thanks.
New Century; New Millennium; New Stuff
You were lucky enough to be born into the end of the twentieth century. Instead of outhouses, we have port-a-potties; instead of watching the fire burn at night, we have MTV; instead of public executions, we have Jack Kevorkian on 60 minutes.
Wait a second. I can see I'm starting out wrong. Let me begin again. You have been lucky enough to be born into the end of the twentieth century. We have many inventions that have made our lives easier. The downside to being born so late in the game is that it is a lot harder to be truly original today. Sometimes it seems that all the great thoughts have been thought and the great songs sung.
NONSENSE! In fact, today we will prove that originality and creativity are still possible. Today, each and every one of us will
do something never thought of or seen in
the history of
the funky western civilization!
Each person will choose an activity that has never before been attempted in history, and perform this activity on camera. You may involve as many people as you like, but each of us must come up with an idea. This project may be turned into a weekly public abscess television. Or not.
Some examples:
--Singing the Alphabet Song with your head underwater in the sink.
--Calling the operator to get directions to Detroit
--Telling the story of the three little pigs in Pig Latin
--Cutting your fingernails while playing Hacky Sack
You get the idea. If there is one.
Oh, yes. There is a prize for the most creative and original idea. The prize is cash.
Capping the Quote
Each of the following is the beginning of a not-so-well-known phrase or quotation. As a group, please complete the quote, with as much flair, originality and creativity as possible. We will read the answers at the end; if your group recognizes the correct answer, you will get a point. If other groups choose yours, you will get a point. Capiche?
1. It is easier to fight for one's principles than
2. The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and
3. Friendship is like money,
4. He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask
5. Don't talk unless you
6. Nothing is particularly hard if
7. In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
8. In the fight between you and the world,
9. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us
10. The trouble with the rat-race is that
11. It is better to die on your feet than
It is easier to fight for one's principles than
to live up to them—Alfred Adler
The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and
somebody to love you. - Brendan Behan
Friendship is like money,
easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask
remains a fool forever. - Chinese proverb
Don't talk unless you
can improve the silence. - Laurence Coughlin
Nothing is particularly hard if
you divide it into small jobs. - Henry Ford
In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
times like these. - Paul Harvey
In the fight between you and the world,
back the world. - Franz Kafka
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us
that someone might be looking. - H. L. Mencken
The trouble with the rat-race is that
even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin
It is better to die on your feet than
to live on your knees! - Emiliano Zapata
Fanning the Flames of Poetry
Please finish each of these sentences. Once you have completed this, we will talk in small groups about what we have written. After this discussion, each person will create one poem in any format.
When I was little
The first time I ever
If I hadn't done that, then I'd still be
I wish my mother had told me about
The last time I
Once I brush my teeth and get dressed, I've got to
If my father had only
If I were a teacher
If I had a million dollars
One night when the lights went out
It wastwo minutes after blastoff when
I couldn't open the door because
My hair stood on end as
I feel proud when
I hope I'll never
I often worry about
I feel bad when
I was never so embarrassed as when
I wish people wouldn't...
Viva Las Vegas
P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Today is your chance to prove it. Each person has been given $50 in KSOFA bucks—Three tens, three fives and five ones. For the next 15 minutes, you will have a chance to take other suckers’ money through bets in the following five areas:
Rock, Paper, Scissors Flipping a coin
Thumb wrestling Holding breath the longest
Tic-tac-toe Standing on one leg the longest
There are only a few rules:
1) You must accept any challenge
2) All bets are sudden death; no best two out of three
3) In the coin toss, the challenger must have a coin and is always “heads”
4) In tic-tac-toe, a tie goes to the person who was challenged
10 Bucks 10 Bucks 10 Bucks
5 Bucks 5 Bucks 5 Bucks
1 Buck 1 Buck 1 Buck
1 Buck 1 Buck
I’m sure that all of you are familiar with haiku. While there are few hard and fast rules, usually haiku has the following:
1) Three lines
2) 17 syllables
3) An arrangement of 5, 7 and 5 syllables.
Your task as a group is to write haiku to illustrate each of the attached pictures. Please go crazy. While refraining from any inappropriate themes. There will be a second part, but you can’t get to it until you’ve done the first.
Please put each haiku on a separate sheet of typing paper. Thanks.
Also, please focus on the picture not the words. Thanks.
New Century; New Millennium; New Stuff
You were lucky enough to be born into the end of the twentieth century. Instead of outhouses, we have port-a-potties; instead of watching the fire burn at night, we have MTV; instead of public executions, we have Jack Kevorkian on 60 minutes.
Wait a second. I can see I'm starting out wrong. Let me begin again. You have been lucky enough to be born into the end of the twentieth century. We have many inventions that have made our lives easier. The downside to being born so late in the game is that it is a lot harder to be truly original today. Sometimes it seems that all the great thoughts have been thought and the great songs sung.
NONSENSE! In fact, today we will prove that originality and creativity are still possible. Today, each and every one of us will
do something never thought of or seen in
the history of
the funky western civilization!
Each person will choose an activity that has never before been attempted in history, and perform this activity on camera. You may involve as many people as you like, but each of us must come up with an idea. This project may be turned into a weekly public abscess television. Or not.
Some examples:
--Singing the Alphabet Song with your head underwater in the sink.
--Calling the operator to get directions to Detroit
--Telling the story of the three little pigs in Pig Latin
--Cutting your fingernails while playing Hacky Sack
You get the idea. If there is one.
Oh, yes. There is a prize for the most creative and original idea. The prize is cash.
Capping the Quote
Each of the following is the beginning of a not-so-well-known phrase or quotation. As a group, please complete the quote, with as much flair, originality and creativity as possible. We will read the answers at the end; if your group recognizes the correct answer, you will get a point. If other groups choose yours, you will get a point. Capiche?
1. It is easier to fight for one's principles than
2. The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and
3. Friendship is like money,
4. He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask
5. Don't talk unless you
6. Nothing is particularly hard if
7. In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
8. In the fight between you and the world,
9. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us
10. The trouble with the rat-race is that
11. It is better to die on your feet than
It is easier to fight for one's principles than
to live up to them—Alfred Adler
The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and
somebody to love you. - Brendan Behan
Friendship is like money,
easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask
remains a fool forever. - Chinese proverb
Don't talk unless you
can improve the silence. - Laurence Coughlin
Nothing is particularly hard if
you divide it into small jobs. - Henry Ford
In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been
times like these. - Paul Harvey
In the fight between you and the world,
back the world. - Franz Kafka
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us
that someone might be looking. - H. L. Mencken
The trouble with the rat-race is that
even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin
It is better to die on your feet than
to live on your knees! - Emiliano Zapata
Fanning the Flames of Poetry
Please finish each of these sentences. Once you have completed this, we will talk in small groups about what we have written. After this discussion, each person will create one poem in any format.
When I was little
The first time I ever
If I hadn't done that, then I'd still be
I wish my mother had told me about
The last time I
Once I brush my teeth and get dressed, I've got to
If my father had only
If I were a teacher
If I had a million dollars
One night when the lights went out
It wastwo minutes after blastoff when
I couldn't open the door because
My hair stood on end as
I feel proud when
I hope I'll never
I often worry about
I feel bad when
I was never so embarrassed as when
I wish people wouldn't...
Viva Las Vegas
P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Today is your chance to prove it. Each person has been given $50 in KSOFA bucks—Three tens, three fives and five ones. For the next 15 minutes, you will have a chance to take other suckers’ money through bets in the following five areas:
Rock, Paper, Scissors Flipping a coin
Thumb wrestling Holding breath the longest
Tic-tac-toe Standing on one leg the longest
There are only a few rules:
1) You must accept any challenge
2) All bets are sudden death; no best two out of three
3) In the coin toss, the challenger must have a coin and is always “heads”
4) In tic-tac-toe, a tie goes to the person who was challenged
10 Bucks 10 Bucks 10 Bucks
5 Bucks 5 Bucks 5 Bucks
1 Buck 1 Buck 1 Buck
1 Buck 1 Buck
New Traditions
Traditions
K-SOFA means welcoming new students and helping them understand their place in history.
As you know, we have a number of traditions which each and every new student has lived through. To review a few of them:
➢ New students are required to tell about the last time they cried in public
➢ New students are required to provide snacks for staff and old students on their second day in the program
➢ New students are required to sing a favorite song
➢ New students are required to tell the rest of the group something they have never told anyone else
➢ New students are required to dance the “Dance of Newness”
Unfortunately, I can’t remember all of the traditions, so I need your help. Please write down, in the space below, between one and three traditions which have been left out.
If you are a new student, please add a tradition of your own.
K-SOFA means welcoming new students and helping them understand their place in history.
As you know, we have a number of traditions which each and every new student has lived through. To review a few of them:
➢ New students are required to tell about the last time they cried in public
➢ New students are required to provide snacks for staff and old students on their second day in the program
➢ New students are required to sing a favorite song
➢ New students are required to tell the rest of the group something they have never told anyone else
➢ New students are required to dance the “Dance of Newness”
Unfortunately, I can’t remember all of the traditions, so I need your help. Please write down, in the space below, between one and three traditions which have been left out.
If you are a new student, please add a tradition of your own.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Where are all the Greeenland Readers?
I know I'm not being reasonable, but I'd really like someone in Greenland to read my words and, I hope, respond. I know the Golden Age of Greenland ended a few centuries ago, but there must be dial-up access or something. If any reader can find me a Greenlander to read and respond, I will buy the reader and the responder a cup of coffee. Really.
Name that Poet--and Poem--and Win a Cup of Coffee
Using Babelfish, I translated this poem from English to German and back. It was written by a well-known American poet. Name her or him and the title of the poem and I'll buy you a cup of coffee. Really.
I was, which knows the night. I have expired in rains -- and back in the rain. I have outwalked the furthest city light. I have down the saddest city way geschauen. I exceeded by the protection on its effect and mean eyes, which were dropped, in order to explain averse. I become still and the clay/tone of the feet, as far cry houses of another road behind stopped, away interrupted, went, but I not back call or legends good-bye well-known; And you still promote on one unearthly height, were O Luminarytaktgeber against the sky, which was proclaimed the time, neither still quite wrongly. I was, which knows the night.
I was, which knows the night. I have expired in rains -- and back in the rain. I have outwalked the furthest city light. I have down the saddest city way geschauen. I exceeded by the protection on its effect and mean eyes, which were dropped, in order to explain averse. I become still and the clay/tone of the feet, as far cry houses of another road behind stopped, away interrupted, went, but I not back call or legends good-bye well-known; And you still promote on one unearthly height, were O Luminarytaktgeber against the sky, which was proclaimed the time, neither still quite wrongly. I was, which knows the night.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
BOYCOTT STAPLES, BIGELOW TEA AND PROCTOR AND GAMBLE!
Now that Staples has announced it's pulling its advertising from the Imus in the Morning show, I propose a boycott of the office-supplies giant. Please, please, please, buy all technology, paper clips, etc. from Office Depot.
Please drink Imus Brothers Coffee.
Finally, if your digestive system bothers you, please try herbal remedies rather than boing to the proctorlogist.
Please drink Imus Brothers Coffee.
Finally, if your digestive system bothers you, please try herbal remedies rather than boing to the proctorlogist.
Vivian Stringer's Cheerleader Anecdote--Imus Part Two
In an earlier post, http://novelistador.blogspot.com/2007/04/don-imus-personal-hero-of-my-formerly.html, I made my (and my formerly three year old's) feelings apparent. Still, I must respond to Vivian Stringer's performance today. The Rutgers University basketball coach started off well, unattributedly quoting Eleanor Roosevelt's dictum, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." She then launched into a long, and as far as I can see pointless, anecdote about being the first minority cheerleader at her high school. This "story" included a late-night visit to her father from an official who said that little Vivian had been the best cheerleader at tryouts. Vivian's dad then came up to her in her bed and said she should become a cheerleader because, "If you don't stand up for something, you'll fall for anything."
A free cup of coffee to the first reader who can find some kind of purpose to this anecdote.
A free cup of coffee to the first reader who can find some kind of purpose to this anecdote.
Frog Pond Poems
Frog Ponds I
In this life,
the choice, ultimately,
is what size frog
in what size pond
do you want to be?
Then ribbut like hell
until the gig impales you
or the snapper crushes you.
Frog Pond II
Some frogs are too small
for even the smallest pond.
They need a creek,
a swamp,
a puddle.
In even the ugliest family,
there is the prettiest girl.
In even the stupidest family
there is the family scholar.
In even the smallest pond,
there is a largest frog.
Frog Pond III
Control is not the issue,
although it is always an issue.
Power is not the issue,
although it is an issue.
Freedom to have an impact on the world,
no matter how small an impact,
or how small a world,
is the issue.
In this life,
the choice, ultimately,
is what size frog
in what size pond
do you want to be?
Then ribbut like hell
until the gig impales you
or the snapper crushes you.
Frog Pond II
Some frogs are too small
for even the smallest pond.
They need a creek,
a swamp,
a puddle.
In even the ugliest family,
there is the prettiest girl.
In even the stupidest family
there is the family scholar.
In even the smallest pond,
there is a largest frog.
Frog Pond III
Control is not the issue,
although it is always an issue.
Power is not the issue,
although it is an issue.
Freedom to have an impact on the world,
no matter how small an impact,
or how small a world,
is the issue.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Don Imus--A Personal Hero of My (formerly) Three-Year-Old Daughter
Years ago, my youngest daughter, Elizabeth, who is now 10, fell in love for the first time. Not with Barny. Not with the four-year-old boy next door. Not even with me. Instead, she fell in love with a, by his own admission, "wrinkled-up old fool" named Don Imus.
Libby fell in love with him because of two things: mild salsa and kids who were dying. As I drove her and her older sisters around in the morning, the voice of the I-Man was nearly always with us. Libby first expressed her feelings in the supermarket when she saw the turqoise buffalo on a jar of salsa.
"I-Man, I-Man, I-Man," she called out, pointing a chubby little fist. Being a sucker for fat fists, I immediately put the Imus Brothers Salsa in the cart. It was and is, I must admit, damn good salsa. Still, the kicker for Libbby was that, to her little mind, the money we spent on salsa was going directly to help little kids who were dying.
Sure, as a family we had supported the Make-A-Wish Foundation, with its visits to Disney World or autograph sessions from football stars, all directed at terminally-ill kids. The Imus Ranch, thgouh, was different. Kids didn't go there to be treated like hothouse flowers; they went there to learn to be real, live cowboys. To Libby, who still would give up five years of her own life (and ten years of either of her sister's lives) for a pony, this sounded like a perfect culmination for a life cut short.
I understand that Don Imus said some dumb and inflammatory things last week. Don Imus says some dumb and inflammatory things every day. Still, the work he has done for children regardless of race should be entered in the equation. If the good works of Don Imus' life were to be set next to those of, say, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Howard Stern, Keith Olbermann or any other entertaining bloviater, I am certain his pile would be bigger than that of the others combined.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, "By their fruits shall you know them." Don Imus has planted, and helped dying kids harvest, some pretty damn good fruit. Please don't throw them out in any rush to judgement.
Libby fell in love with him because of two things: mild salsa and kids who were dying. As I drove her and her older sisters around in the morning, the voice of the I-Man was nearly always with us. Libby first expressed her feelings in the supermarket when she saw the turqoise buffalo on a jar of salsa.
"I-Man, I-Man, I-Man," she called out, pointing a chubby little fist. Being a sucker for fat fists, I immediately put the Imus Brothers Salsa in the cart. It was and is, I must admit, damn good salsa. Still, the kicker for Libbby was that, to her little mind, the money we spent on salsa was going directly to help little kids who were dying.
Sure, as a family we had supported the Make-A-Wish Foundation, with its visits to Disney World or autograph sessions from football stars, all directed at terminally-ill kids. The Imus Ranch, thgouh, was different. Kids didn't go there to be treated like hothouse flowers; they went there to learn to be real, live cowboys. To Libby, who still would give up five years of her own life (and ten years of either of her sister's lives) for a pony, this sounded like a perfect culmination for a life cut short.
I understand that Don Imus said some dumb and inflammatory things last week. Don Imus says some dumb and inflammatory things every day. Still, the work he has done for children regardless of race should be entered in the equation. If the good works of Don Imus' life were to be set next to those of, say, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Howard Stern, Keith Olbermann or any other entertaining bloviater, I am certain his pile would be bigger than that of the others combined.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, "By their fruits shall you know them." Don Imus has planted, and helped dying kids harvest, some pretty damn good fruit. Please don't throw them out in any rush to judgement.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Mea Culpa--I Was Wrong and Want More Information
In writing this kind of blog, it’s easy to believe that those who write to agree with me are good, kind, decent, salt-of-the-earth types, while those who disagree are close-minded, cranky, hobby-horse riding nut jobs. This may well be true, but not in a recent case.
I was wrong in a recent posting, and my readers made this clear to me.
In http://novelistador.blogspot.com/2007/03/chosen-child-adoption-book-proposal.html, I claimed to have no interest in my biological family, writing as an automaton. A number of readers wrote to me and about me, using language which got through to me and made me recognize my desire to find out more about my past.
While many of the reader’s comments were mean-tempered, sometimes it does take a sharp stick to get a rise out of a sleeping dog. (Please strike that last image--it’s late. The last thing I need is to be set upon by animal-rights activists.)
Anyway, this is a long way of saying I’m sorry, and that I’d like to learn more about adoption and the search for biological families.
I was wrong in a recent posting, and my readers made this clear to me.
In http://novelistador.blogspot.com/2007/03/chosen-child-adoption-book-proposal.html, I claimed to have no interest in my biological family, writing as an automaton. A number of readers wrote to me and about me, using language which got through to me and made me recognize my desire to find out more about my past.
While many of the reader’s comments were mean-tempered, sometimes it does take a sharp stick to get a rise out of a sleeping dog. (Please strike that last image--it’s late. The last thing I need is to be set upon by animal-rights activists.)
Anyway, this is a long way of saying I’m sorry, and that I’d like to learn more about adoption and the search for biological families.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Yet Another Angry Response
Joy writes and I respond. Her name has not been changed for irony's sake. Promise.
O-M-G O-M-G
You are sooooo awful.
I, on the other hand, am rather enamored by your gentle tone.
"but not many adopted people or their families read scholarly journals or books."
Here, you use quotation marks, suggesting I said this (or at least something like it) and yet I never did.
And full of it, and NO they are not full of positive stories, be sure to give a shout out to all the adoptive mothers whose children committed suicide.
Where, exactly, is the evidence that more adopted children commit suicide than non-adopted children? I’m sure it exists, but I don’t know where. Please let me know where to find it.
That you could even come up with a slogan like, "who'd give away Faith Hill or Steven Jobs?"
Shows your extreme ignorance.
You want to promote ignorance, you want to promote a practice that harms children.
Where is the harm in being raised by people who love you rather than by a person who can’t take care of you?
Shame on you for not having the ganas to acknowledge the truth about adoption.
You suck.
You, contrariwise, seem quite charming and happy with your life.
O-M-G O-M-G
You are sooooo awful.
I, on the other hand, am rather enamored by your gentle tone.
"but not many adopted people or their families read scholarly journals or books."
Here, you use quotation marks, suggesting I said this (or at least something like it) and yet I never did.
And full of it, and NO they are not full of positive stories, be sure to give a shout out to all the adoptive mothers whose children committed suicide.
Where, exactly, is the evidence that more adopted children commit suicide than non-adopted children? I’m sure it exists, but I don’t know where. Please let me know where to find it.
That you could even come up with a slogan like, "who'd give away Faith Hill or Steven Jobs?"
Shows your extreme ignorance.
You want to promote ignorance, you want to promote a practice that harms children.
Where is the harm in being raised by people who love you rather than by a person who can’t take care of you?
Shame on you for not having the ganas to acknowledge the truth about adoption.
You suck.
You, contrariwise, seem quite charming and happy with your life.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Eponymous Eponomy
Well, Boys and Girls, now it can be revealed. Years ago, I released a CD of original songs, a release that led to a series of downloads on the MP3 section of boston.com, but no record label. Feeling nostalgic, I am including the eponymous title song of the band Pus Theory. Incidentally, the CD was called The Sound of One Mind Snapping: Songs in the Zen Baptist Tradition, and is a collector's item.
Just a single email request can get you an mp3 copy, signed by the artist. Just ask. Really.
Pus Theory
You just wait for the pressure to build up, you just wait for the build-up to to blow,
Then what you spew out of your mouth, mind, or hand, can be called a piece of art you know.
Whatever pops into your mind and plops out on a page
Artistically represents your joy, sorrow, loss and rage.
Art is art when an artist has found it,
Take a blank wall, put a frame around it
Don’t waste time trying to master your craft
Just set sail on the ocean of art with your ego as your only life raft
You don’t have to be that clever, you don’t have to have much soul
Jackson Pollock didn’t know what he’d get when he poured that paint out of a bowl.
You don’t have to study your craft, you don’t have to be that clever
When you subscribe to the pus theory of artistic endeavor.
Art is art when an artist has found it,
Take a blank wall, put a frame around it
Don’t waste time trying to master your craft
Just set sail on the ocean of art with your ego as your only life raft
Artists of a feather gotta hang together so they won’t hang separately,
Vision is a tired anachronism; you want marketability
Money is really what matters; vision is really quite garish
Never mind what the Bible says; it’s without mammon that people perish
Art is art when an artist has found it,
Take a blank wall, put a frame around it
Don’t waste time trying to master your craft
Just set sail on the ocean of art with your ego as your only life raft
Just a single email request can get you an mp3 copy, signed by the artist. Just ask. Really.
Pus Theory
You just wait for the pressure to build up, you just wait for the build-up to to blow,
Then what you spew out of your mouth, mind, or hand, can be called a piece of art you know.
Whatever pops into your mind and plops out on a page
Artistically represents your joy, sorrow, loss and rage.
Art is art when an artist has found it,
Take a blank wall, put a frame around it
Don’t waste time trying to master your craft
Just set sail on the ocean of art with your ego as your only life raft
You don’t have to be that clever, you don’t have to have much soul
Jackson Pollock didn’t know what he’d get when he poured that paint out of a bowl.
You don’t have to study your craft, you don’t have to be that clever
When you subscribe to the pus theory of artistic endeavor.
Art is art when an artist has found it,
Take a blank wall, put a frame around it
Don’t waste time trying to master your craft
Just set sail on the ocean of art with your ego as your only life raft
Artists of a feather gotta hang together so they won’t hang separately,
Vision is a tired anachronism; you want marketability
Money is really what matters; vision is really quite garish
Never mind what the Bible says; it’s without mammon that people perish
Art is art when an artist has found it,
Take a blank wall, put a frame around it
Don’t waste time trying to master your craft
Just set sail on the ocean of art with your ego as your only life raft
Thursday, March 22, 2007
As the Record Shows, You Love Your Writing Prompts
K-SOFA Means Krazy® Glue
Please read over the following fact sheet. On the back of this paper, write down ten (X) (10) new uses for this product.
Legal note: K-SOFA does not receive any direct or indirect income from the mention of this product. We neither endorse nor condemn.
Krazy Glue is named for the glue's seemingly crazy strength, quick-setting properties, and longevity as an adhesive.
In the motion picture What About Bob? (1991), Dr. Leo Marvin (Richard Dreyfus) describes the symbiotic Bob Wiley (Bill Murray) as "Human Krazy Glue."
If your fingers get stuck together with Krazy Glue, dissolve the bond with nail polish remover or acetone, or soften with warm soapy water.
The winners of the 1996 "How Krazy Glue Saved the Day" contest, Don McMullan and Sharon Bennett of Clearwater, British Columbia, used Krazy Glue to get themselves down Robber's Pass when their 18-wheel semi-trailer's engine cooling fan separated from its rotating shaft hundreds of miles from the nearest service station in the middle of the night. They put six drops of Krazy Glue on the two metal pieces, held the parts together securely for three minutes, and were back on the road for another 80,000 miles.
Surgeons treat an arterial venous fistulas, or entangled cluster of arteries, by injecting liquid acrylic agents into the abnormal blood vessels to seal off the excessive flow of blood. The material used, N-Butyl Cyanoacrylate, is similar to the ingredients in Krazy Glue.
Physicians in Canada use an adhesive similar to Krazy Glue instead of stitches, lowering the possibility of bacterial infection and minimizing scarring.
During her highly publicized disappearance for four days in April 1996, Margot Kidder, who costarred with Christopher Reeve as Lois Lane in Superman movies, lived inside a cardboard box with a homeless person in downtown Los Angeles while suffering a manic-depressive episode. According to People magazine, "Kidder had lost some caps on her front teeth that sometimes fell out and which she cemented back in place with Krazy Glue. 'When you're having a manic episode,' she says, 'you don't always remember to pack the Krazy Glue.'"
Food stylists use Krazy Glue to keep food in place during photography sessions for advertisements, television commercials, and motion pictures.
K-SOFA Means Hershey's® Syrup
Please read over the following fact sheet. On the back of this paper, write down ten (X) (10) new uses for this product.
Legal note: K-SOFA does not receive any direct or indirect income from the mention of this product. We neither endorse nor condemn.
Hershey's Syrup is named for company founder Milton Hershey.
In 1900, inspired by a new chocolate-making machine he had seen at the 1893 Chicago Exposition, Milton Hershey sold his caramel company for one million dollars to start a chocolate factory in Derry Church, Pennsylvania, to manufacture America¹s first mass-marketed five-cent chocolate bar. In 1905, the factory was completed and Hershey began producing individually wrapped Hershey's milk chocolate bars, followed by Hershey's Milk Chocolate Kisses in 1907, the Mr. Goodbar candy bar in 1925, and Hershey¹s syrup in 1926.
In 1993, Hershey introduced Hugs, a white-and-dark chocolate product shaped like Hershey's Kisses.
Derry Church, Pennsylvania, the home of Hershey's Foods, was renamed Hershey in 1906.
In 1909, Milton Hershey and his wife founded the Milton Hershey School, a school for orphaned children near the chocolate plant. In 1918 Hershey donated the entire Hershey¹s Chocolate Corporation to the Milton Hershey School, and for years the company existed solely to fund the school. Although Hershey Foods is now publicly traded, the Milton Hershey School still controls 41.6 percent of the stock. Former Hershey's Food chairman William Dearden (1976-84) was a Hershey School graduate, as are many Hershey employees..
During the Depression, Milton Hershey put people to work by building a hotel, golf courses, a library, theaters, a museum, a stadium, and other facilities in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
The universally popular Hershey bar was used overseas during World War II as currency.
Milton Hershey refused to advertise his product, convinced that quality would speak for itself. Even after Hershey¹s death in 1945, the company refused to advertise‹until 1970, when Hershey began losing sales to Mars.
The Hershey bar is one of the most widely recognized products in the world.
In 1990, during Operation Desert Storm, Hershey Foods sent 144,000 "heat-resistant" milk chocolate Desert Bars—capable of withstanding up to 100°F—to American troops in Saudi Arabia.
In 1995, MCI teamed up with Hershey to offer free long-distance calling to consumers who bought an 8-ounce or larger bag of Hershey's Kisses, Hershey's Hugs, or other chocolate products.
K-SOFA Means Wrigley's Spearmint® Gum
Please read over the following fact sheet. On the back of this paper, write down ten (X) (10) new uses for this product.
Legal note: K-SOFA does not receive any direct or indirect income from the mention of this product. We neither endorse nor condemn.
Wrigley's Spearmint gum is named after company founder WilliamWrigley, Jr., and the common garden mint (Mentha spicata) better knownas spearmint because of the sharp point of its leaves.
William Wrigley, Jr., started his career at the age of thirteen when,following his expulsion from school, his father put him to work sellingsoap door-to-door.
In 1891, William Wrigley, Jr., moved to Chicago to sell soap andbaking powder. At twenty-nine, he started his own business inChicago-with a wife and child and $32 in cash. When he began offeringcustomers free chewing gum by Zeno Manufacturing, customers offered tobuy the gum. So Wrigley developed his own gums, introducing Wrigley'sSpearmint and Juicy Fruit in 1893. By 1911, because of Wrigley'sinsistence on pumping huge amounts of money into advertising, Wrigley'sSpearmint had become the leading U.S. gum brand.
In 1915, William Wrigley, Jr. sent four free sticks of gum to everyperson listed in a U.S. phone book.
The spear-bodied elf character William Wrigley began using beforeWorld War I to promote Spearmint gum turned into the cheerful Wrigleygum boy of the 1960s.
During World War II, gum, considered an emergency ration, was alsogiven to soldiers to relieve tension and dry throats on long marches.G.I.s used chewed gum to patch jeep tires, gas tanks, life rafts, andparts of airplanes. Wrigley advertisements recommended five sticks ofgum per day for every war worker, insisting that "Factory tests show howchewing gum helps men feel better, work better."
William Wrigley was the first distributor to place gum next to restaurant cash registers.
The Wrigley family bought Catalina Island in 1919 and the ArizonaBiltmore Hotel in 1931, built the Wrigley building in Chicago in 1924,and owned the Chicago Cubs for 57 years.
The company did not raise the original five cent price of afive-stick package of Wrigley's Spearmint, Juicy Fruit, and Doublemintgums until 1971. Management reluctantly did so by creating a seven-stickpackage and charging a dime for it.
Before World War II, the basic ingredient of all chewing gum waschicle, the sap of the sapodilla tree indigenous to Central and SouthAmerica. When chicle became difficult to obtain during World War II, thegum industry developed synthetic gum bases such as polyvinyl acetate,supplied almost entirely by the Hercule Powder Company, an explosivesmanufacturer.
Americans chew approximately $2.5 billion worth of gum every year.
The average American chews 190 sticks of gum each year.
K-SOFA Means You Do the Math
Here, you have a choice. Please either use the following facts in word problems for Paul, Keith and Sam to work out or write a story about the best April Fools Day Joke ever. NOT BOTH!!!!!!
Per capita consumption of peanut butter in the U.S. and Canada is about 5 pounds annually. In the Netherlands, believed to be Europe's most developed market, per capita consumption is probably less than 0.5 pounds.
Americans spent more than $18 billion on lottery tickets in fiscal year 1990.
$627 billion is spent on food annually at shopping malls.
The new IRS employee manual includes provisions for collecting taxes in the aftermath of a nuclear war.
The first supermarket in the world was in France. The people who started it were related to the people who started the Big Bear supermarket chain in Texas.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau and U.S. Rowing Association, 15 percent of amateur rowers earn more than $100,000 a year.
Eight percent of company presidents use profanity selectively and consciously.
According to author Tom Heymann, on an average day 1,924 businesses are incorporated, 168 businesses fail, 6,082 complaints are received by the Better Business Bureau, nine corporate mergers occur, and five companies change their names.
Please read over the following fact sheet. On the back of this paper, write down ten (X) (10) new uses for this product.
Legal note: K-SOFA does not receive any direct or indirect income from the mention of this product. We neither endorse nor condemn.
Krazy Glue is named for the glue's seemingly crazy strength, quick-setting properties, and longevity as an adhesive.
In the motion picture What About Bob? (1991), Dr. Leo Marvin (Richard Dreyfus) describes the symbiotic Bob Wiley (Bill Murray) as "Human Krazy Glue."
If your fingers get stuck together with Krazy Glue, dissolve the bond with nail polish remover or acetone, or soften with warm soapy water.
The winners of the 1996 "How Krazy Glue Saved the Day" contest, Don McMullan and Sharon Bennett of Clearwater, British Columbia, used Krazy Glue to get themselves down Robber's Pass when their 18-wheel semi-trailer's engine cooling fan separated from its rotating shaft hundreds of miles from the nearest service station in the middle of the night. They put six drops of Krazy Glue on the two metal pieces, held the parts together securely for three minutes, and were back on the road for another 80,000 miles.
Surgeons treat an arterial venous fistulas, or entangled cluster of arteries, by injecting liquid acrylic agents into the abnormal blood vessels to seal off the excessive flow of blood. The material used, N-Butyl Cyanoacrylate, is similar to the ingredients in Krazy Glue.
Physicians in Canada use an adhesive similar to Krazy Glue instead of stitches, lowering the possibility of bacterial infection and minimizing scarring.
During her highly publicized disappearance for four days in April 1996, Margot Kidder, who costarred with Christopher Reeve as Lois Lane in Superman movies, lived inside a cardboard box with a homeless person in downtown Los Angeles while suffering a manic-depressive episode. According to People magazine, "Kidder had lost some caps on her front teeth that sometimes fell out and which she cemented back in place with Krazy Glue. 'When you're having a manic episode,' she says, 'you don't always remember to pack the Krazy Glue.'"
Food stylists use Krazy Glue to keep food in place during photography sessions for advertisements, television commercials, and motion pictures.
K-SOFA Means Hershey's® Syrup
Please read over the following fact sheet. On the back of this paper, write down ten (X) (10) new uses for this product.
Legal note: K-SOFA does not receive any direct or indirect income from the mention of this product. We neither endorse nor condemn.
Hershey's Syrup is named for company founder Milton Hershey.
In 1900, inspired by a new chocolate-making machine he had seen at the 1893 Chicago Exposition, Milton Hershey sold his caramel company for one million dollars to start a chocolate factory in Derry Church, Pennsylvania, to manufacture America¹s first mass-marketed five-cent chocolate bar. In 1905, the factory was completed and Hershey began producing individually wrapped Hershey's milk chocolate bars, followed by Hershey's Milk Chocolate Kisses in 1907, the Mr. Goodbar candy bar in 1925, and Hershey¹s syrup in 1926.
In 1993, Hershey introduced Hugs, a white-and-dark chocolate product shaped like Hershey's Kisses.
Derry Church, Pennsylvania, the home of Hershey's Foods, was renamed Hershey in 1906.
In 1909, Milton Hershey and his wife founded the Milton Hershey School, a school for orphaned children near the chocolate plant. In 1918 Hershey donated the entire Hershey¹s Chocolate Corporation to the Milton Hershey School, and for years the company existed solely to fund the school. Although Hershey Foods is now publicly traded, the Milton Hershey School still controls 41.6 percent of the stock. Former Hershey's Food chairman William Dearden (1976-84) was a Hershey School graduate, as are many Hershey employees..
During the Depression, Milton Hershey put people to work by building a hotel, golf courses, a library, theaters, a museum, a stadium, and other facilities in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
The universally popular Hershey bar was used overseas during World War II as currency.
Milton Hershey refused to advertise his product, convinced that quality would speak for itself. Even after Hershey¹s death in 1945, the company refused to advertise‹until 1970, when Hershey began losing sales to Mars.
The Hershey bar is one of the most widely recognized products in the world.
In 1990, during Operation Desert Storm, Hershey Foods sent 144,000 "heat-resistant" milk chocolate Desert Bars—capable of withstanding up to 100°F—to American troops in Saudi Arabia.
In 1995, MCI teamed up with Hershey to offer free long-distance calling to consumers who bought an 8-ounce or larger bag of Hershey's Kisses, Hershey's Hugs, or other chocolate products.
K-SOFA Means Wrigley's Spearmint® Gum
Please read over the following fact sheet. On the back of this paper, write down ten (X) (10) new uses for this product.
Legal note: K-SOFA does not receive any direct or indirect income from the mention of this product. We neither endorse nor condemn.
Wrigley's Spearmint gum is named after company founder WilliamWrigley, Jr., and the common garden mint (Mentha spicata) better knownas spearmint because of the sharp point of its leaves.
William Wrigley, Jr., started his career at the age of thirteen when,following his expulsion from school, his father put him to work sellingsoap door-to-door.
In 1891, William Wrigley, Jr., moved to Chicago to sell soap andbaking powder. At twenty-nine, he started his own business inChicago-with a wife and child and $32 in cash. When he began offeringcustomers free chewing gum by Zeno Manufacturing, customers offered tobuy the gum. So Wrigley developed his own gums, introducing Wrigley'sSpearmint and Juicy Fruit in 1893. By 1911, because of Wrigley'sinsistence on pumping huge amounts of money into advertising, Wrigley'sSpearmint had become the leading U.S. gum brand.
In 1915, William Wrigley, Jr. sent four free sticks of gum to everyperson listed in a U.S. phone book.
The spear-bodied elf character William Wrigley began using beforeWorld War I to promote Spearmint gum turned into the cheerful Wrigleygum boy of the 1960s.
During World War II, gum, considered an emergency ration, was alsogiven to soldiers to relieve tension and dry throats on long marches.G.I.s used chewed gum to patch jeep tires, gas tanks, life rafts, andparts of airplanes. Wrigley advertisements recommended five sticks ofgum per day for every war worker, insisting that "Factory tests show howchewing gum helps men feel better, work better."
William Wrigley was the first distributor to place gum next to restaurant cash registers.
The Wrigley family bought Catalina Island in 1919 and the ArizonaBiltmore Hotel in 1931, built the Wrigley building in Chicago in 1924,and owned the Chicago Cubs for 57 years.
The company did not raise the original five cent price of afive-stick package of Wrigley's Spearmint, Juicy Fruit, and Doublemintgums until 1971. Management reluctantly did so by creating a seven-stickpackage and charging a dime for it.
Before World War II, the basic ingredient of all chewing gum waschicle, the sap of the sapodilla tree indigenous to Central and SouthAmerica. When chicle became difficult to obtain during World War II, thegum industry developed synthetic gum bases such as polyvinyl acetate,supplied almost entirely by the Hercule Powder Company, an explosivesmanufacturer.
Americans chew approximately $2.5 billion worth of gum every year.
The average American chews 190 sticks of gum each year.
K-SOFA Means You Do the Math
Here, you have a choice. Please either use the following facts in word problems for Paul, Keith and Sam to work out or write a story about the best April Fools Day Joke ever. NOT BOTH!!!!!!
Per capita consumption of peanut butter in the U.S. and Canada is about 5 pounds annually. In the Netherlands, believed to be Europe's most developed market, per capita consumption is probably less than 0.5 pounds.
Americans spent more than $18 billion on lottery tickets in fiscal year 1990.
$627 billion is spent on food annually at shopping malls.
The new IRS employee manual includes provisions for collecting taxes in the aftermath of a nuclear war.
The first supermarket in the world was in France. The people who started it were related to the people who started the Big Bear supermarket chain in Texas.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau and U.S. Rowing Association, 15 percent of amateur rowers earn more than $100,000 a year.
Eight percent of company presidents use profanity selectively and consciously.
According to author Tom Heymann, on an average day 1,924 businesses are incorporated, 168 businesses fail, 6,082 complaints are received by the Better Business Bureau, nine corporate mergers occur, and five companies change their names.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
More Writing Prompts to Sparkle Your Day
K-SOFA Means “Peach Pizza” in Thai
In 1975, orchestra conductor Jose Serebrier accidentally stabbed himself through the hand with his baton while performing. The audience and musicians were impressed by the fact that he continued leading the orchestra in perfect timing as if nothing had happened.
Below, please write a brief account of a person you know who has demonstrated courage, which Ernest Hemingway defined as “guts under pressure.”
K-SOFA Means Living Under these Conditions
When he heard that Sarah Bernhardt might need to have a leg amputated, PT Barnum sent a telegram offering $1,000 for her leg.
How much would you be willing to pay for or be paid for the following body parts?
Earlobe Left pinky toe Tongue Right hand Knee (your upper and lower leg can be surgically reattached) Nose
In the space below, please write an essay of not more than three pages on what these choices suggest about you as a person.
K-SOFA Means Language is Important
A husband and wife from Switzerland stopped in a restaurant in Hong Kong and asked that their poodle be taken to the kitchen and fed something. Because of a misunderstanding, the waiter did what he thought they wanted, and had the cooks fry the dog for the couple.
Please write about a time when you did not get what you ordered in a restaurant. Include the following, please:
Who was with you?
What did you order?
What did you get?
How did this make you feel?
What was the weather like?
K-SOFA Means Crime Does Not Pay
In 1987 or 1988, in Tennessee, Indiana and Illinois, someone passed bad checks. I mean really bad. This unidentified person purchased at least $800,000 of merchandise at many stores, but with counterfeit checks. To avoid eventual capture, the thief coated the checks with some sort of chemical that caused them to disintegrate within hours. By the time the checks reached the banks, they were nothing but powder.
Many people think they have thought of the perfect crime. Please describe in detail your favorite perfect crime. Thanks a lot, really.
In 1975, orchestra conductor Jose Serebrier accidentally stabbed himself through the hand with his baton while performing. The audience and musicians were impressed by the fact that he continued leading the orchestra in perfect timing as if nothing had happened.
Below, please write a brief account of a person you know who has demonstrated courage, which Ernest Hemingway defined as “guts under pressure.”
K-SOFA Means Living Under these Conditions
When he heard that Sarah Bernhardt might need to have a leg amputated, PT Barnum sent a telegram offering $1,000 for her leg.
How much would you be willing to pay for or be paid for the following body parts?
Earlobe Left pinky toe Tongue Right hand Knee (your upper and lower leg can be surgically reattached) Nose
In the space below, please write an essay of not more than three pages on what these choices suggest about you as a person.
K-SOFA Means Language is Important
A husband and wife from Switzerland stopped in a restaurant in Hong Kong and asked that their poodle be taken to the kitchen and fed something. Because of a misunderstanding, the waiter did what he thought they wanted, and had the cooks fry the dog for the couple.
Please write about a time when you did not get what you ordered in a restaurant. Include the following, please:
Who was with you?
What did you order?
What did you get?
How did this make you feel?
What was the weather like?
K-SOFA Means Crime Does Not Pay
In 1987 or 1988, in Tennessee, Indiana and Illinois, someone passed bad checks. I mean really bad. This unidentified person purchased at least $800,000 of merchandise at many stores, but with counterfeit checks. To avoid eventual capture, the thief coated the checks with some sort of chemical that caused them to disintegrate within hours. By the time the checks reached the banks, they were nothing but powder.
Many people think they have thought of the perfect crime. Please describe in detail your favorite perfect crime. Thanks a lot, really.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Cats and Dogs (or at least dogs) Who are Dead
Just to prove I do have some experience with dead dogs, here's a novel excerpt. The narrator is Clayton Clevinger, the hero of On Account of Because, an as-yet-unpublished novel. If you're an agent, or sleeping with one, please be in touch if you like this. Thanks in advance.
I saw the boy had a mouthful of braces, which sparkled in the sun when he smiled. He didn’t look more than ten or eleven and he was hunched forward, shoulders raised, as if trying to keep a cloak from falling off. He was both short and scrawny. In Gramper’s war books, I had seen pictures of concentration camp survivors, starving and sexless. This boy would have fit right in, except for one thing.
He wore a black t-shirt with large yellow letters that read “Girls Don’t Poop.”
I laughed out loud, and walked up to him.
“That’s some shirt,” I said admiringly.
“Thanks,” said the boy in a high-pitched voice, smiling what looked like a mouthful of staples, paper clips and tin foil. “Mommy says it all the time, so I had this shirt made up special. My Aunt Margaret hates it, but she’s not the boss of me.”
I tried to take this information in, but couldn’t. How could any woman work that phrase into conversation once, much less all the time? I thought it was weird for even a little kid to call his mother “Mommy.” I’d never used the word, but I knew most kids switched over to “mom” or “my mother” by first grade. I couldn’t sort things out and assumed I had missed some piece of information.
“I’m Clayton,” I said.
“Mommy named me Sebastian, but everyone I know calls me Shiny,” he said.
“Why Shiny?” I asked.
“On account of because it’s my nickname,” he said, as if that answered any questions I might have.
I didn’t know how to respond, so I just looked at the ground.
“Do you go to public school?” asked Shiny, breaking the silence.
“Yeah. Just starting today. I’m new this year. We moved in over the summer. I’m in ninth grade. What grade are you in?”
I expected to hear that Shiny was in fifth or sixth grade.
“I’m in ninth grade, too, but I don’t go to the public school. I go to private.”
Two things surprised me. First, the boy was tiny for his age and, second, my picture of private school students had them in mansions with freshly rolled lawns, not silver trailers with broken lawn gnomes.
“You’re in ninth grade?” I asked.
“Yep. Mommy always said I was proof that good things come in small packages.”
“And you go to private school?”
“Yep.”
“And you call your mother ‘Mommy?’”
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s her name.”
“Her real name is ‘Mommy?’ That’s what it says on her drivers license?” I asked.
“Nope. She doesn’t have a driver’s license any more. It lapsed on account of because she couldn’t get to the DMV. But it is her real name. Mommy’s mother felt so good about being a mother she named Mommy Mommy to make sure she’d know the pleasure of motherhood. I mean, imagine if a woman named Mommy didn’t have kids. Think how confusing that would be.”
“Weird,” I thought, but I didn’t know what to say, so I gestured toward the trailer.
“Is that your house?”
“It’s not a house. It’s a mobile home,” he replied. “It’s not mine, of course. I’m only fifteen. What would I need with a trailer? It belongs to my Aunt Margaret.”
I looked at the tiny silver trailer, grass growing up its side. The screens over the back windows were shredded.
“So you and your mother live with your aunt in the trailer?”
“No, of course not. I live there alone with Aunt Margaret. Well, her and her cats. She loves cats and dresses them up for holidays.”
“How many?” I asked.
“At last count a dozen,” said Shiny. “Of course, three of them are pregnant so that number will go up.”
“You have twelve cats in that little trailer?” I was incredulous.
“Yup,” said Shiny. “They make it real cozy for us.”
Cozy seemed a funny word to describe a dozen cats in a two-bedroom trailer.
“So it’s you and your aunt and her cats?”
“Yup, and I’ll tell you, it feels good to be needed. I mean, she could hardly look after herself in her condition, now could she?”
“Her condition? What’s wrong with her?”
“She’s mad,” he said.
“Mad? What’s she angry about?” I asked.
“Angry about?” he parroted. “Nothing. That’s the problem. She’s entirely too happy for a woman in her condition.”
“But you said she was mad,” I said.
“Yes, I did. You’re quite right about that. She is mad, but not that kind of mad. She’s mad in the old sense of the word. She suffers from a rare form of mental illness that causes her to be happy all the time. Imagine being always happy, no matter what. She watches the news and sees a hurricane destroy some little town, and all she says is, ‘I’ll bet they rebuild it even nicer than before’ or ‘Well, at least now the Red Cross will have a chance to do their best.’ If she lost her leg, she’d say, ‘Well, at least I’ve got one good leg. Some people don’t have that.’ It’s horrible being so happy, as I’m sure you can imagine.”
“I guess,” I said.
“When I think of the fun I’ve had being angry at people or being disappointed by situations or just cursing life in general, and know Aunt Margaret never knows the pleasures of anger, it makes me so sad inside. And then when I’m enjoying being sad and sorry for myself, I get angry my poor aunt never ever ever gets to curl up in a blanket of sorrow and throw herself a good old fashioned pity party. It’s just awful, really.
“Like halitosis or intestinal distress,” he continued, “her illness is even harder on those around her than on my aunt. Seeing that poor thing so happy, day after day, just breaks my heart. She’s been to psychiatrists and psychologists and phrenologists and even a paleontologist, but there’s nothing they can do.
“While the rest of us enjoy a broad pallet of emotions--anger, fear, sorrow--poor Aunt Margaret is stuck with cheerful, heedless, lighthearted and content. Imagine if your only emotional forecast was chipper today, chirpy tomorrow with a one hundred percent chance of can’t complain for the weekend.
As Shiny talked, it was nearly impossible to get a word in edgewise, not that I was any great conversationalist. His words flowed, like some force of nature, and he didn’t appear to expect any interruptions.
“My grandparents are dead,” Shiny continued, “so poor Aunt Margaret has what’s called an ‘orphan disease.’ The big drug companies are willing to spend millions of dollars on antidepressants, but not one penny on depressants, which is what the poor woman desperately needs.
“The doctors have tried everything from daily screenings of war atrocities to listening to sad music to oral readings about good love gone bad, but there’s nothing to be done.
“And, of course, there’s also the pronoia, which would drive anyone crazy.”
“Pronoia?” I said. “I don’t think I know that word.”
“Not many people do,” replied Shiny. “And they should be thankful about that. I wish I’d never heard of it.
“You’ve probably heard of its opposite, ‘paranoia,’ which is perfectly healthy. In a world like ours, it just makes sense to watch your back and assume that people are out to get you. Instead of fearing that everyone wants to hurt her, though, Aunt Margaret lives with a sneaking suspicion people are working together in a secret conspiracy to make her happy. Aunt Margaret, if I let her, would hug everyone she meets and thank them for their hard work. The authorities would have to lock her up.
“Think of it, Clayton—that was your name, wasn’t it? —Clayton? You probably know from math class that when you multiply two negative numbers together you get a positive number. What they don’t tell you is that when the positives start multiplying, as they have for Aunt Margaret, it’s a very negative situation for everyone. That’s why it’s good for her what happened to Mommy, even though it’s bad for me.”
“What happened to your mother?” I asked. “And what about your father?”
“Well, to begin with,” said Shiny, “I never knew my dad, or anything about him, not even his name. All I know is that he hated his father, whose first name was Sebastian, and that’s why Mommy named me that. He wasn’t ever really even Mommy’s boyfriend, just a come and go kind of guy, if you know what I mean. Mommy always says that life is a sexually transmitted disease, and that I’m one of its most gorgeous symptoms.
“Mommy is about the most beautiful woman I ever saw. She has a gap between her front top teeth that she can stick two Popsicle sticks in. I don’t know if you know it, but all the prettiest women have gaps between their teeth. You could look it up.”
I wondered what reference book I’d use to track down this information.
“Mommy’s nose is nice and big, with a part up at the top that looks like it’s been broken, but it never was. I don’t know about you, but I like a woman’s nose to be clear that it’s a nose instead of a button. A nose should be proud, not trying to hide itself.
“And her hair? Talk about pretty. Not all thick and covering up her head like most women. Instead her hair is thinning, so you can see parts of her skull. I’ll tell you, men always go crazy for her.
“Mommy never bought into the whole world of responsibility, you know, all that make sure there’s dinner and that the electric bill gets paid and that the clothes are clean,” he said. “We moved a lot when I was little. Sometimes we’d move twice in a month. Mainly in Florida, but not the Florida they always show on TV, with everybody in bathing suits and running on the beach. I lived in Florida until I was twelve, and I never saw the ocean, just a lot of two-room apartments without pools. Mommy was kind of a free spirit, and didn’t like to feel pinned down.
“One tradition she had, though, was she would always subscribe to the newspaper wherever we lived. We’d get the Crestview News Leader when we were there, then the Branford News for a while, then the Palatka Daily News or the Citrus County Chronicle, all depending on where we lived. She never read them. She just liked having them in the house. I think it showed her that we were real people, getting the newspaper.
“As soon as we’d get to a new town in her big old white truck, she’d call the newspaper and set us up with a subscription. It was also a tradition for Mommy to use a fake name for her subscriptions, usually some minor TV or movie actress, whose name you’d think sounded kind of familiar, but not really. It could be Regina King or Rita Wilson or Amy Acker. That’s what our life was like, moving and getting the newspaper. Mommy may not have read any of them, but when I was little I used to like taking a ballpoint and drawing horns and beards on people. By the time I was eight, I was reading most of the paper each morning, just because it was something to do.
“We had a tradition of piling up newspapers in the corner of whatever kitchen we were in. Sometimes the pile would get taller than me, but usually we moved before that happened. Like I said, Mommy likes to move a lot. Moving is a tradition for her.”
“So did your mother have a hard time keeping a job or something?” I asked, thinking of Pops’ long-running problems.
“Oh, no, Mommy could have kept any job she had. She’d just get bored. Sometimes she’d get a job cashiering at the Piggly Wiggly or taking tickets at a movie theater. Lots of different jobs. What she likes best, though, is just sitting around the house, waiting for something to happen. Then Jack happened.”
“Jack?” I asked.
“He was the love of her life. She met him at a Bingo game and she won twenty dollars that night, so that’s why she fell in love with him. He made her feel lucky and special, kind of like getting the newspaper. Maybe they’d even have gotten married if it weren’t for Stella.”
“Stella was his wife?” I asked.
“No, Mommy could have handled that. She’s had lots of married boyfriends. Stella was Jack’s dog. Jack loved that little Chihuahua like she was his daughter. She’d sit on his lap at meal times, and he’d feed her right off his plate. Even though Mommy knew that Jack loved her, too, it was the too part she couldn’t stand. Mommy wanted Jack to love her more than, not just too. When he’d be drinking, he’d joke about how he didn’t know which he’d choose between the two of them. That hurt Mommy’s feelings. Still, if it hadn’t been for me and Chinese food, Mommy probably would have married Jack and he’d be my stepfather today.”
“Shiny,” I said, “I‘m confused here. Stella is a dog. Jack and your mom were friends. You and Chinese food? What does that have to do with it?”
“When I was younger, you see, I was crazy about Chinese food, especially egg rolls. I’d beg Mommy to take me out for Chinese. One Saturday afternoon, when Jack was at work, she got lucky at bingo again and won fifty bucks, and as soon as she came in the door, I was all over her, asking for Chinese food. Whenever Mommy was happy and feeling lucky she liked to spread the love, so she said okay. We got into her truck and we drove across town and parked a couple of blocks from the restaurant.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Why what?”
“Why did you park a couple of blocks away from the restaurant instead of at the restaurant?”
“It was a tradition. Mommy loves traditions. We ordered a pupu platter and Mommy had five or six of those colored drinks with the umbrellas. It was nice. Until the fortune cookies.”
“Fortune cookies?”
“Yup. We had this other tradition where I would choose her fortune cookie and she would choose mine. My fortune was nothing to remember, but when Mommy opened hers, she got a faraway look in her eyes and a smile on her face.”
“What did it say?” I asked.
“It said, ‘Stop ignoring your destiny. Remove the obstacle.’ So, of course, right then and there, Mommy knew what she had to do.”
“Of course,” I replied, having no idea where this story was going.
“We left that restaurant without paying. That was another tradition we had. Mommy said only rich people pay for restaurant food. We ran the two blocks to the truck and Mommy reached up under her skirt and took off her panty hose.”
“Why?” I asked, feeling more confused with each new piece of information.
“On account of because she was going to need them for Stella.”
“Why would she need them? I thought Stella is a dog.”
“Was. She’s dead now.”
“I see,” I said blindly.
“Then we drove to Jack’s place and Mommy and I went in and poor little Stella was sitting on an easy chair. This little Chihuahua was looking like she was just getting ready to turn on the television.
“Mommy went into the kitchen and got some doggy treats and put them down at the toe of one leg of the panty hose. In case Stella got hungry. Then Mommy told me to hold the thigh as wide open as I could and she snatched up Stella and shoved her, nose first, into the panty hose.
“Once she got Stella all the way in, Mommy told me to tie off the crotch with a double knot. Of course there was no way that little dog could have turned herself around in the panty hose, but Mommy wanted to make sure we did the job right. She was a stickler for that kind of thing.”
“She shoved a dog into tights? Why?” I asked.
“On account of because that was how she wanted to do it. Once Mommy had Stella in the panty hose, she lifted that sack of dog over her shoulder and left Jack’s apartment, like Santa Claus in reverse.
“Course, a Chihuahua is a yapper, so once we got her in the truck, Mommy took some duct tape and started trying to wrap Stella’s snout through the panty hose. The problem was, Stella didn’t really want her snout wrapped, and the tape wasn’t on her nose, it was on the hose, so Stella kept on backing and backing up toward the thigh and Mommy kept on wrapping and wrapping until finally Stella couldn’t back up any more.
“By the time Mommy was done, she’d used up so much duct tape that she’d made herself a stick out of the panty hose. When she held the staff of duct tape with the little ball of dog at the end, if Stella had been painted red, Mommy would have been holding an old-time thermometer.”
“So you’re in her truck in her boyfriend’s driveway,” I said, “with a duct-taped set of panty hose containing a ball of dog at the end of it. What exactly, was her plan next?”
“Like I told you, Mommy was never much for plans. She just kind of liked to let the fur fly and see what happened. So I can’t tell you about her plan or even if she had one. But I can tell you what she did, and that’s she drove us home and carried Stella inside, with the stick on her shoulder and Stella hanging down on her back. She looked like a hobo in one of those old movies.
“She went straight into the bathroom—she always did like the bathroom—and she left the door open. I followed her and watched as Mommy started the water in the tub, but she didn’t bother checking the temperature with the back of her hand. Just turned both faucets on full. Didn’t put in any bath salts, either, and Mommy was very particular about her baths. Used to take a bath two, maybe three times a week.
“Stella was really quiet, just a whimper or two, on account of because her nose was finally taped up, and she wasn’t moving that much anyway, ‘cause there wasn’t much space. I thought maybe she was going to take a nap, but Mommy’s lawyer said at trial she was probably already dead.”
“Her lawyer said she killed the dog?” I asked. “Why did she have a lawyer and why wasn’t he trying to prove she didn’t kill the dog?”
“Everybody knew she killed the dog,” replied Shiny. “People don’t go to prison just for killing a dog, Clayton.”
“Prison?” I asked.
“Yup. The thing was, the story gets kind of weird now.”
“Really?” I murmured, wondering what adjective Shiny would have used to describe the story so far.
“You see, once the water was about half way up the tub, Mommy held on to the duct tape handle and used poor Stella like a plunger. Just held her under water and kept pushing. After a couple of minutes, Mommy pulled the panty hose and duct tape stick out of the water, and using both hands pointed the dog at me.
“’Sebastian,’ she said, ‘this is what love leads to.’”
A dead dog on a stick, I thought.
“With the way Mommy was holding her, Stella looked kind of like a marshmallow that’s ready to fall off the end of your stick into the fire. Except, of course, she was brown, not white.
“Mommy carried the Stella-cicle into the kitchen. I followed and we both sat down at the kitchen table. Mommy leaned forward and put all her weight on the stick, so that Stella, or what used to be Stella, dripped water all over the floor.”
“’It’s time to think,’ Mommy said.
“I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to think with her, but it was kind of hard, ‘cause I couldn’t stop watching Stella puddle up our floor like a dog mop.”
“After about five minutes, Mommy looked at me and said, ‘Sebastian, don’t ever fall in love with a person who likes dogs. Things get way too complicated.’ Then she got up and turned the oven on to about three hundred fifty degrees and started unwrapping Stella.”
“Shiny, I’m starting to get confused again,” I said. “Why the oven? Why the unwrapping? Why not just leave the dog wrapped up and throw it in a dumpster?”
“On account of because that would be cruel to Jack, and Mommy loved Jack,” Shiny said with a hurt tone. “Mommy didn’t want Jack to spend the rest of his days thinking Stella might have run away from him. She said she wanted him to get closure, so that his love for Mommy could grow and grow
“Mommy said we were going to take Stella back to Jack’s street and leave her there for Jack to find. We were going to run over Stella’s body three or four times, so Jack would think a car had hit Stella. Problem was, no matter how happy he might be to find Stella and no matter how sad he might be that she was dead, he’d still have to notice she was dripping wet. Mommy said that grief might cover up a lot, but not the smell of a dead wet dog. Jack would get suspicious.
“So Mommy had to dry Stella off. She’d never had to dry a dead dog before. She’d only done one thing with dead animals. That’s why she turned on the oven. There was a problem, though.”
“Hard to believe there could be any more problems, Shiny,” I said.
“Well, there was. See, Mommy thought that after thirty minutes at three-hundred-fifty degrees, Stella would be all dried out. That’s where Mommy figured wrong, on account of because after half an hour in a closed oven, Stella was starting to cook, and smell like she needed to be basted, but she was still as wet as when she’d been lying on the kitchen floor.
“Mommy didn’t know what to do, on account of because the smell of roasting dog meat was starting to spread through the kitchen. She was kind of spooked, so she turned the broiler on and sat back, thinking that broiling with the door open might work. Next thing you know, smoke and flames are pouring out of the oven and filling the kitchen. Seems Stella had caught on fire instead of drying off.
“Mommy grabbed a couple of oven mitts with pictures of peacocks on them. Then she picked Stella up by the tail and yanked her out of the oven. Now she was standing in the middle of the room, holding a burning Chihuahua by the tail, kind of spinning herself like one of those hammer throwers in the Olympics.”
“I wanted to help, so I opened the kitchen window, to let some of the smoke out. Mommy told me to shut it, on account of because she didn’t want the neighbors to know. Then she spun one last time, and Stella’s tail came off in Mommy’s hand. Stella’s burning body flew into the corner of the kitchen, right beside our pile of newspapers, Mommy still holding on to her tail.”
“Well, if you didn’t know, newspapers are pretty good for starting fires and a burning dog beside a pile of newspapers turns into a big fire pretty quickly. Mommy started crying that she didn’t know what to do. She went to the fridge and opened a beer. With the beer and Stella’s tail in one hand, she grabbed me with the other hand and pulled me out of the apartment.
“She didn’t try to put out the fire?” I asked.
“Nope. On account of because it was just an apartment and I think Mommy figured that if Stella’s body burned up that maybe she’d get away with what she’d done. Unfortunately for her, some nosy neighbors smelled smoke and the fire department was there in about five minutes.
“They went right into the kitchen and sprayed down the fire and Stella was all burned, but she was still recognizable as a dog, a very dead dog. Mommy was going to try to talk her way out of things, but the fireman who was talking with her noticed Stella’s little tail, still grasped firmly in Mommy’s hand.
“When Mommy got arrested, I went into foster care with a nice family. I lived on a farm and everything. I even got to be a ward of the state on account of because they didn’t know where my father was and they had to sort things out. That’s how I got these,” here Shiny smiled broadly and pointed to his braces which had red, white and blue bands.
“They’re a gift from the people of Florida, kind of a going away present. Of course, now that they’re on and I’m in New Hampshire I won’t be able to get them off for at least three years.”
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“On account of because Mommy went to trial last June. Her lawyer convinced her to plead guilty to animal cruelty and arson and she’s doing three to five at Jefferson Correctional Facility. It’s a very nice place from the brochures and Mommy writes me every week.
“Mommy told me on the day she went away that soon I’d be going to stay with my Aunt Margaret here in New Hampshire, but first I’d be with a foster family. She told me that while she was in prison I was to do everything Aunt Margaret told me to do. I was to treat her like she was Mommy herself. I was even to call her ‘Mom,’ but not ‘Mommy,’ ‘cause I only have one Mommy.
“She also said that once she was out, we’d never have anything to do with dogs again.
“So that’s how I ended up here in Oxford,“ concluded Shiny.
“And you moved here in June?” I asked.
“Yup.”
I saw the boy had a mouthful of braces, which sparkled in the sun when he smiled. He didn’t look more than ten or eleven and he was hunched forward, shoulders raised, as if trying to keep a cloak from falling off. He was both short and scrawny. In Gramper’s war books, I had seen pictures of concentration camp survivors, starving and sexless. This boy would have fit right in, except for one thing.
He wore a black t-shirt with large yellow letters that read “Girls Don’t Poop.”
I laughed out loud, and walked up to him.
“That’s some shirt,” I said admiringly.
“Thanks,” said the boy in a high-pitched voice, smiling what looked like a mouthful of staples, paper clips and tin foil. “Mommy says it all the time, so I had this shirt made up special. My Aunt Margaret hates it, but she’s not the boss of me.”
I tried to take this information in, but couldn’t. How could any woman work that phrase into conversation once, much less all the time? I thought it was weird for even a little kid to call his mother “Mommy.” I’d never used the word, but I knew most kids switched over to “mom” or “my mother” by first grade. I couldn’t sort things out and assumed I had missed some piece of information.
“I’m Clayton,” I said.
“Mommy named me Sebastian, but everyone I know calls me Shiny,” he said.
“Why Shiny?” I asked.
“On account of because it’s my nickname,” he said, as if that answered any questions I might have.
I didn’t know how to respond, so I just looked at the ground.
“Do you go to public school?” asked Shiny, breaking the silence.
“Yeah. Just starting today. I’m new this year. We moved in over the summer. I’m in ninth grade. What grade are you in?”
I expected to hear that Shiny was in fifth or sixth grade.
“I’m in ninth grade, too, but I don’t go to the public school. I go to private.”
Two things surprised me. First, the boy was tiny for his age and, second, my picture of private school students had them in mansions with freshly rolled lawns, not silver trailers with broken lawn gnomes.
“You’re in ninth grade?” I asked.
“Yep. Mommy always said I was proof that good things come in small packages.”
“And you go to private school?”
“Yep.”
“And you call your mother ‘Mommy?’”
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s her name.”
“Her real name is ‘Mommy?’ That’s what it says on her drivers license?” I asked.
“Nope. She doesn’t have a driver’s license any more. It lapsed on account of because she couldn’t get to the DMV. But it is her real name. Mommy’s mother felt so good about being a mother she named Mommy Mommy to make sure she’d know the pleasure of motherhood. I mean, imagine if a woman named Mommy didn’t have kids. Think how confusing that would be.”
“Weird,” I thought, but I didn’t know what to say, so I gestured toward the trailer.
“Is that your house?”
“It’s not a house. It’s a mobile home,” he replied. “It’s not mine, of course. I’m only fifteen. What would I need with a trailer? It belongs to my Aunt Margaret.”
I looked at the tiny silver trailer, grass growing up its side. The screens over the back windows were shredded.
“So you and your mother live with your aunt in the trailer?”
“No, of course not. I live there alone with Aunt Margaret. Well, her and her cats. She loves cats and dresses them up for holidays.”
“How many?” I asked.
“At last count a dozen,” said Shiny. “Of course, three of them are pregnant so that number will go up.”
“You have twelve cats in that little trailer?” I was incredulous.
“Yup,” said Shiny. “They make it real cozy for us.”
Cozy seemed a funny word to describe a dozen cats in a two-bedroom trailer.
“So it’s you and your aunt and her cats?”
“Yup, and I’ll tell you, it feels good to be needed. I mean, she could hardly look after herself in her condition, now could she?”
“Her condition? What’s wrong with her?”
“She’s mad,” he said.
“Mad? What’s she angry about?” I asked.
“Angry about?” he parroted. “Nothing. That’s the problem. She’s entirely too happy for a woman in her condition.”
“But you said she was mad,” I said.
“Yes, I did. You’re quite right about that. She is mad, but not that kind of mad. She’s mad in the old sense of the word. She suffers from a rare form of mental illness that causes her to be happy all the time. Imagine being always happy, no matter what. She watches the news and sees a hurricane destroy some little town, and all she says is, ‘I’ll bet they rebuild it even nicer than before’ or ‘Well, at least now the Red Cross will have a chance to do their best.’ If she lost her leg, she’d say, ‘Well, at least I’ve got one good leg. Some people don’t have that.’ It’s horrible being so happy, as I’m sure you can imagine.”
“I guess,” I said.
“When I think of the fun I’ve had being angry at people or being disappointed by situations or just cursing life in general, and know Aunt Margaret never knows the pleasures of anger, it makes me so sad inside. And then when I’m enjoying being sad and sorry for myself, I get angry my poor aunt never ever ever gets to curl up in a blanket of sorrow and throw herself a good old fashioned pity party. It’s just awful, really.
“Like halitosis or intestinal distress,” he continued, “her illness is even harder on those around her than on my aunt. Seeing that poor thing so happy, day after day, just breaks my heart. She’s been to psychiatrists and psychologists and phrenologists and even a paleontologist, but there’s nothing they can do.
“While the rest of us enjoy a broad pallet of emotions--anger, fear, sorrow--poor Aunt Margaret is stuck with cheerful, heedless, lighthearted and content. Imagine if your only emotional forecast was chipper today, chirpy tomorrow with a one hundred percent chance of can’t complain for the weekend.
As Shiny talked, it was nearly impossible to get a word in edgewise, not that I was any great conversationalist. His words flowed, like some force of nature, and he didn’t appear to expect any interruptions.
“My grandparents are dead,” Shiny continued, “so poor Aunt Margaret has what’s called an ‘orphan disease.’ The big drug companies are willing to spend millions of dollars on antidepressants, but not one penny on depressants, which is what the poor woman desperately needs.
“The doctors have tried everything from daily screenings of war atrocities to listening to sad music to oral readings about good love gone bad, but there’s nothing to be done.
“And, of course, there’s also the pronoia, which would drive anyone crazy.”
“Pronoia?” I said. “I don’t think I know that word.”
“Not many people do,” replied Shiny. “And they should be thankful about that. I wish I’d never heard of it.
“You’ve probably heard of its opposite, ‘paranoia,’ which is perfectly healthy. In a world like ours, it just makes sense to watch your back and assume that people are out to get you. Instead of fearing that everyone wants to hurt her, though, Aunt Margaret lives with a sneaking suspicion people are working together in a secret conspiracy to make her happy. Aunt Margaret, if I let her, would hug everyone she meets and thank them for their hard work. The authorities would have to lock her up.
“Think of it, Clayton—that was your name, wasn’t it? —Clayton? You probably know from math class that when you multiply two negative numbers together you get a positive number. What they don’t tell you is that when the positives start multiplying, as they have for Aunt Margaret, it’s a very negative situation for everyone. That’s why it’s good for her what happened to Mommy, even though it’s bad for me.”
“What happened to your mother?” I asked. “And what about your father?”
“Well, to begin with,” said Shiny, “I never knew my dad, or anything about him, not even his name. All I know is that he hated his father, whose first name was Sebastian, and that’s why Mommy named me that. He wasn’t ever really even Mommy’s boyfriend, just a come and go kind of guy, if you know what I mean. Mommy always says that life is a sexually transmitted disease, and that I’m one of its most gorgeous symptoms.
“Mommy is about the most beautiful woman I ever saw. She has a gap between her front top teeth that she can stick two Popsicle sticks in. I don’t know if you know it, but all the prettiest women have gaps between their teeth. You could look it up.”
I wondered what reference book I’d use to track down this information.
“Mommy’s nose is nice and big, with a part up at the top that looks like it’s been broken, but it never was. I don’t know about you, but I like a woman’s nose to be clear that it’s a nose instead of a button. A nose should be proud, not trying to hide itself.
“And her hair? Talk about pretty. Not all thick and covering up her head like most women. Instead her hair is thinning, so you can see parts of her skull. I’ll tell you, men always go crazy for her.
“Mommy never bought into the whole world of responsibility, you know, all that make sure there’s dinner and that the electric bill gets paid and that the clothes are clean,” he said. “We moved a lot when I was little. Sometimes we’d move twice in a month. Mainly in Florida, but not the Florida they always show on TV, with everybody in bathing suits and running on the beach. I lived in Florida until I was twelve, and I never saw the ocean, just a lot of two-room apartments without pools. Mommy was kind of a free spirit, and didn’t like to feel pinned down.
“One tradition she had, though, was she would always subscribe to the newspaper wherever we lived. We’d get the Crestview News Leader when we were there, then the Branford News for a while, then the Palatka Daily News or the Citrus County Chronicle, all depending on where we lived. She never read them. She just liked having them in the house. I think it showed her that we were real people, getting the newspaper.
“As soon as we’d get to a new town in her big old white truck, she’d call the newspaper and set us up with a subscription. It was also a tradition for Mommy to use a fake name for her subscriptions, usually some minor TV or movie actress, whose name you’d think sounded kind of familiar, but not really. It could be Regina King or Rita Wilson or Amy Acker. That’s what our life was like, moving and getting the newspaper. Mommy may not have read any of them, but when I was little I used to like taking a ballpoint and drawing horns and beards on people. By the time I was eight, I was reading most of the paper each morning, just because it was something to do.
“We had a tradition of piling up newspapers in the corner of whatever kitchen we were in. Sometimes the pile would get taller than me, but usually we moved before that happened. Like I said, Mommy likes to move a lot. Moving is a tradition for her.”
“So did your mother have a hard time keeping a job or something?” I asked, thinking of Pops’ long-running problems.
“Oh, no, Mommy could have kept any job she had. She’d just get bored. Sometimes she’d get a job cashiering at the Piggly Wiggly or taking tickets at a movie theater. Lots of different jobs. What she likes best, though, is just sitting around the house, waiting for something to happen. Then Jack happened.”
“Jack?” I asked.
“He was the love of her life. She met him at a Bingo game and she won twenty dollars that night, so that’s why she fell in love with him. He made her feel lucky and special, kind of like getting the newspaper. Maybe they’d even have gotten married if it weren’t for Stella.”
“Stella was his wife?” I asked.
“No, Mommy could have handled that. She’s had lots of married boyfriends. Stella was Jack’s dog. Jack loved that little Chihuahua like she was his daughter. She’d sit on his lap at meal times, and he’d feed her right off his plate. Even though Mommy knew that Jack loved her, too, it was the too part she couldn’t stand. Mommy wanted Jack to love her more than, not just too. When he’d be drinking, he’d joke about how he didn’t know which he’d choose between the two of them. That hurt Mommy’s feelings. Still, if it hadn’t been for me and Chinese food, Mommy probably would have married Jack and he’d be my stepfather today.”
“Shiny,” I said, “I‘m confused here. Stella is a dog. Jack and your mom were friends. You and Chinese food? What does that have to do with it?”
“When I was younger, you see, I was crazy about Chinese food, especially egg rolls. I’d beg Mommy to take me out for Chinese. One Saturday afternoon, when Jack was at work, she got lucky at bingo again and won fifty bucks, and as soon as she came in the door, I was all over her, asking for Chinese food. Whenever Mommy was happy and feeling lucky she liked to spread the love, so she said okay. We got into her truck and we drove across town and parked a couple of blocks from the restaurant.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Why what?”
“Why did you park a couple of blocks away from the restaurant instead of at the restaurant?”
“It was a tradition. Mommy loves traditions. We ordered a pupu platter and Mommy had five or six of those colored drinks with the umbrellas. It was nice. Until the fortune cookies.”
“Fortune cookies?”
“Yup. We had this other tradition where I would choose her fortune cookie and she would choose mine. My fortune was nothing to remember, but when Mommy opened hers, she got a faraway look in her eyes and a smile on her face.”
“What did it say?” I asked.
“It said, ‘Stop ignoring your destiny. Remove the obstacle.’ So, of course, right then and there, Mommy knew what she had to do.”
“Of course,” I replied, having no idea where this story was going.
“We left that restaurant without paying. That was another tradition we had. Mommy said only rich people pay for restaurant food. We ran the two blocks to the truck and Mommy reached up under her skirt and took off her panty hose.”
“Why?” I asked, feeling more confused with each new piece of information.
“On account of because she was going to need them for Stella.”
“Why would she need them? I thought Stella is a dog.”
“Was. She’s dead now.”
“I see,” I said blindly.
“Then we drove to Jack’s place and Mommy and I went in and poor little Stella was sitting on an easy chair. This little Chihuahua was looking like she was just getting ready to turn on the television.
“Mommy went into the kitchen and got some doggy treats and put them down at the toe of one leg of the panty hose. In case Stella got hungry. Then Mommy told me to hold the thigh as wide open as I could and she snatched up Stella and shoved her, nose first, into the panty hose.
“Once she got Stella all the way in, Mommy told me to tie off the crotch with a double knot. Of course there was no way that little dog could have turned herself around in the panty hose, but Mommy wanted to make sure we did the job right. She was a stickler for that kind of thing.”
“She shoved a dog into tights? Why?” I asked.
“On account of because that was how she wanted to do it. Once Mommy had Stella in the panty hose, she lifted that sack of dog over her shoulder and left Jack’s apartment, like Santa Claus in reverse.
“Course, a Chihuahua is a yapper, so once we got her in the truck, Mommy took some duct tape and started trying to wrap Stella’s snout through the panty hose. The problem was, Stella didn’t really want her snout wrapped, and the tape wasn’t on her nose, it was on the hose, so Stella kept on backing and backing up toward the thigh and Mommy kept on wrapping and wrapping until finally Stella couldn’t back up any more.
“By the time Mommy was done, she’d used up so much duct tape that she’d made herself a stick out of the panty hose. When she held the staff of duct tape with the little ball of dog at the end, if Stella had been painted red, Mommy would have been holding an old-time thermometer.”
“So you’re in her truck in her boyfriend’s driveway,” I said, “with a duct-taped set of panty hose containing a ball of dog at the end of it. What exactly, was her plan next?”
“Like I told you, Mommy was never much for plans. She just kind of liked to let the fur fly and see what happened. So I can’t tell you about her plan or even if she had one. But I can tell you what she did, and that’s she drove us home and carried Stella inside, with the stick on her shoulder and Stella hanging down on her back. She looked like a hobo in one of those old movies.
“She went straight into the bathroom—she always did like the bathroom—and she left the door open. I followed her and watched as Mommy started the water in the tub, but she didn’t bother checking the temperature with the back of her hand. Just turned both faucets on full. Didn’t put in any bath salts, either, and Mommy was very particular about her baths. Used to take a bath two, maybe three times a week.
“Stella was really quiet, just a whimper or two, on account of because her nose was finally taped up, and she wasn’t moving that much anyway, ‘cause there wasn’t much space. I thought maybe she was going to take a nap, but Mommy’s lawyer said at trial she was probably already dead.”
“Her lawyer said she killed the dog?” I asked. “Why did she have a lawyer and why wasn’t he trying to prove she didn’t kill the dog?”
“Everybody knew she killed the dog,” replied Shiny. “People don’t go to prison just for killing a dog, Clayton.”
“Prison?” I asked.
“Yup. The thing was, the story gets kind of weird now.”
“Really?” I murmured, wondering what adjective Shiny would have used to describe the story so far.
“You see, once the water was about half way up the tub, Mommy held on to the duct tape handle and used poor Stella like a plunger. Just held her under water and kept pushing. After a couple of minutes, Mommy pulled the panty hose and duct tape stick out of the water, and using both hands pointed the dog at me.
“’Sebastian,’ she said, ‘this is what love leads to.’”
A dead dog on a stick, I thought.
“With the way Mommy was holding her, Stella looked kind of like a marshmallow that’s ready to fall off the end of your stick into the fire. Except, of course, she was brown, not white.
“Mommy carried the Stella-cicle into the kitchen. I followed and we both sat down at the kitchen table. Mommy leaned forward and put all her weight on the stick, so that Stella, or what used to be Stella, dripped water all over the floor.”
“’It’s time to think,’ Mommy said.
“I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to think with her, but it was kind of hard, ‘cause I couldn’t stop watching Stella puddle up our floor like a dog mop.”
“After about five minutes, Mommy looked at me and said, ‘Sebastian, don’t ever fall in love with a person who likes dogs. Things get way too complicated.’ Then she got up and turned the oven on to about three hundred fifty degrees and started unwrapping Stella.”
“Shiny, I’m starting to get confused again,” I said. “Why the oven? Why the unwrapping? Why not just leave the dog wrapped up and throw it in a dumpster?”
“On account of because that would be cruel to Jack, and Mommy loved Jack,” Shiny said with a hurt tone. “Mommy didn’t want Jack to spend the rest of his days thinking Stella might have run away from him. She said she wanted him to get closure, so that his love for Mommy could grow and grow
“Mommy said we were going to take Stella back to Jack’s street and leave her there for Jack to find. We were going to run over Stella’s body three or four times, so Jack would think a car had hit Stella. Problem was, no matter how happy he might be to find Stella and no matter how sad he might be that she was dead, he’d still have to notice she was dripping wet. Mommy said that grief might cover up a lot, but not the smell of a dead wet dog. Jack would get suspicious.
“So Mommy had to dry Stella off. She’d never had to dry a dead dog before. She’d only done one thing with dead animals. That’s why she turned on the oven. There was a problem, though.”
“Hard to believe there could be any more problems, Shiny,” I said.
“Well, there was. See, Mommy thought that after thirty minutes at three-hundred-fifty degrees, Stella would be all dried out. That’s where Mommy figured wrong, on account of because after half an hour in a closed oven, Stella was starting to cook, and smell like she needed to be basted, but she was still as wet as when she’d been lying on the kitchen floor.
“Mommy didn’t know what to do, on account of because the smell of roasting dog meat was starting to spread through the kitchen. She was kind of spooked, so she turned the broiler on and sat back, thinking that broiling with the door open might work. Next thing you know, smoke and flames are pouring out of the oven and filling the kitchen. Seems Stella had caught on fire instead of drying off.
“Mommy grabbed a couple of oven mitts with pictures of peacocks on them. Then she picked Stella up by the tail and yanked her out of the oven. Now she was standing in the middle of the room, holding a burning Chihuahua by the tail, kind of spinning herself like one of those hammer throwers in the Olympics.”
“I wanted to help, so I opened the kitchen window, to let some of the smoke out. Mommy told me to shut it, on account of because she didn’t want the neighbors to know. Then she spun one last time, and Stella’s tail came off in Mommy’s hand. Stella’s burning body flew into the corner of the kitchen, right beside our pile of newspapers, Mommy still holding on to her tail.”
“Well, if you didn’t know, newspapers are pretty good for starting fires and a burning dog beside a pile of newspapers turns into a big fire pretty quickly. Mommy started crying that she didn’t know what to do. She went to the fridge and opened a beer. With the beer and Stella’s tail in one hand, she grabbed me with the other hand and pulled me out of the apartment.
“She didn’t try to put out the fire?” I asked.
“Nope. On account of because it was just an apartment and I think Mommy figured that if Stella’s body burned up that maybe she’d get away with what she’d done. Unfortunately for her, some nosy neighbors smelled smoke and the fire department was there in about five minutes.
“They went right into the kitchen and sprayed down the fire and Stella was all burned, but she was still recognizable as a dog, a very dead dog. Mommy was going to try to talk her way out of things, but the fireman who was talking with her noticed Stella’s little tail, still grasped firmly in Mommy’s hand.
“When Mommy got arrested, I went into foster care with a nice family. I lived on a farm and everything. I even got to be a ward of the state on account of because they didn’t know where my father was and they had to sort things out. That’s how I got these,” here Shiny smiled broadly and pointed to his braces which had red, white and blue bands.
“They’re a gift from the people of Florida, kind of a going away present. Of course, now that they’re on and I’m in New Hampshire I won’t be able to get them off for at least three years.”
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“On account of because Mommy went to trial last June. Her lawyer convinced her to plead guilty to animal cruelty and arson and she’s doing three to five at Jefferson Correctional Facility. It’s a very nice place from the brochures and Mommy writes me every week.
“Mommy told me on the day she went away that soon I’d be going to stay with my Aunt Margaret here in New Hampshire, but first I’d be with a foster family. She told me that while she was in prison I was to do everything Aunt Margaret told me to do. I was to treat her like she was Mommy herself. I was even to call her ‘Mom,’ but not ‘Mommy,’ ‘cause I only have one Mommy.
“She also said that once she was out, we’d never have anything to do with dogs again.
“So that’s how I ended up here in Oxford,“ concluded Shiny.
“And you moved here in June?” I asked.
“Yup.”
It's Raining Cats and Dogs (and they're dead)
Hearing about how dogs and cats the country over are dying from kidney failure after eating certain brands of food, I wonder how many sick sons of guns the nation over are killing their pets, hoping to become part of a major class action suit. I know I’ve got five cats (two of my own, two of my girlfriend’s and one of my father’s, who is currently incapacitated), and I don’t even care for cats, particularly. If I were hard up for a chunk of change--say my trailer needed to be insulated--I guess I could picture a scenario like this.
As long as each of you sends me the $38.50 a month you’ve promised, that point will not arrive.
As long as each of you sends me the $38.50 a month you’ve promised, that point will not arrive.
Tuesday Morning--Tech Request
I know a lot of Mac users read this blog, so I'll lay my problem bare and ask for help. My girlfriend has a G-5 with airport express. I have a G-4 with no airport card. How can our two computers grow to love each other the way my girlfriend and i do (and share an internet connection)? Best answer wins a cup of soup--your choice.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A Brief, Post-Blizzard, Response
Knowing how slapdash a writer I can be, my first response to reading criticism of what I’ve written is to think, “Why didn’t I reread, rewrite or fact check that sucker?” Looking over the comments written on yesterday’s adoption post, though, I feel pretty good about a piece I wrote two years ago and never submitted to anyone but my agent. In other words, boys and girls, it is a rough draft—not camera-ready copy.
That said, I’d like to respond to a few of the comments:
1) Anonymous said...
The JOY that adoption has brought to BIRTH PARENTS?
Shoot. I was supposed to get JOY by being forced to relinquish my first born.
No one told me.
Better go find that joy.
From reading that, it sure sounds as though I’d referred to some kind of happiness or bliss in relinquishing a child. Here, however, is what I actually wrote:
In The Chosen Child, I will present a balanced look at adoption, primarily through the words of members of the adoption "triad" (adoptees, adoptive families and birth families). To illustrate the joy that adoption has brought, I will interview a number of celebrity adoptees and adoptive parents (see Expanded Table of Contents Chapters Two and Three).
Clearly, “joy” refers to just two parts of the triad, not including birth parents.
Next, the comparison of adoption and slavery by Bastard Nation, denied by a number of commentators:
Marley Greiner said...
"I expect to interview Ms. Corangelo along with the founders of Bastard Nation, which likens adoption to slavery"
As co-founder and Executive Chair of Bastard Nation I am very surprised to read that BN compares adoption to slavery. Perhaps you mistook satire for policy. We have repeatedly ridiculed that idea.
BB Church said...
I served on the Executive Committee of Bastard Nation from 1997 to 2001, and have remained an active member up to the present. Bastard Nation has never, I repeat, NEVER, compared adoption to slavery. As a matter of fact, I have personally analyzed and criticized the hyperbolic comparison of US adoption and slavery on numerous public fora.
Lainie Petersen said...
I was one of the founders of Bastard Nation, and I do not recall us ever comparing adoption to slavery.
Sorry if this disappoints.
In an earlier post, I made reference to the quote from the April 2006 "Byline: Bastard Nation" (www.bastards.org/byline/bylinehome):
"Adoption remains the only institution in these here disUnited States other than slavery that keeps or has kept people from knowing their roots. Imagine that. Adoption; slavery. Adoption; slavery. Say it again and again and never forget it.
"Adoption; slavery.
"It took a war to bring about emancipation from one. What's it going to take to right the wrongs of the other?"
I'll admit a semi-colon is not a colon (or an equal sign, for that matter), however, I do think the parallel is clear here. Please bear in mind that this newsletter is an organ of Bastard Nation, or at least appears to go out under its name.
An anonymous poster said...
Oh dear. It seems your research and originality skills are sorely lacking.
Not only can't you spell Lori Carangelo's name correctly, you make a play on her already published book called "Chosen Children" with your [koff koff] hahahahaha---snerk "original" prospectus entitled "The Chosen Child".
Methinks you'll probably end up self-publishing. LOL
You know, Bastard Nation actually has a page with a mission statement on it. Too bad you, with your "extensive impressive" research skills seemed to miss it.
Ignoring the sarcasm, “The Chosen Child” is a working title for a project two years old and since discarded. Had I continued with it, I would have preferred a title like “Who Was the Dumbass Who Gave Away Steve Jobs?” or “Sex Tips from Adopted Hotties” or “The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need (or Want).” Any other ideas for this book (which will never be written, I expect, and certainly never self-published) can be forwarded right away.
Anyone who thinks a mission statement has any relationship to the true beliefs of an organization must be looking forward to the Easter Bunny (or the fucked-up Italian bells) in a few weeks.
That said, I’d like to respond to a few of the comments:
1) Anonymous said...
The JOY that adoption has brought to BIRTH PARENTS?
Shoot. I was supposed to get JOY by being forced to relinquish my first born.
No one told me.
Better go find that joy.
From reading that, it sure sounds as though I’d referred to some kind of happiness or bliss in relinquishing a child. Here, however, is what I actually wrote:
In The Chosen Child, I will present a balanced look at adoption, primarily through the words of members of the adoption "triad" (adoptees, adoptive families and birth families). To illustrate the joy that adoption has brought, I will interview a number of celebrity adoptees and adoptive parents (see Expanded Table of Contents Chapters Two and Three).
Clearly, “joy” refers to just two parts of the triad, not including birth parents.
Next, the comparison of adoption and slavery by Bastard Nation, denied by a number of commentators:
Marley Greiner said...
"I expect to interview Ms. Corangelo along with the founders of Bastard Nation, which likens adoption to slavery"
As co-founder and Executive Chair of Bastard Nation I am very surprised to read that BN compares adoption to slavery. Perhaps you mistook satire for policy. We have repeatedly ridiculed that idea.
BB Church said...
I served on the Executive Committee of Bastard Nation from 1997 to 2001, and have remained an active member up to the present. Bastard Nation has never, I repeat, NEVER, compared adoption to slavery. As a matter of fact, I have personally analyzed and criticized the hyperbolic comparison of US adoption and slavery on numerous public fora.
Lainie Petersen said...
I was one of the founders of Bastard Nation, and I do not recall us ever comparing adoption to slavery.
Sorry if this disappoints.
In an earlier post, I made reference to the quote from the April 2006 "Byline: Bastard Nation" (www.bastards.org/byline/bylinehome):
"Adoption remains the only institution in these here disUnited States other than slavery that keeps or has kept people from knowing their roots. Imagine that. Adoption; slavery. Adoption; slavery. Say it again and again and never forget it.
"Adoption; slavery.
"It took a war to bring about emancipation from one. What's it going to take to right the wrongs of the other?"
I'll admit a semi-colon is not a colon (or an equal sign, for that matter), however, I do think the parallel is clear here. Please bear in mind that this newsletter is an organ of Bastard Nation, or at least appears to go out under its name.
An anonymous poster said...
Oh dear. It seems your research and originality skills are sorely lacking.
Not only can't you spell Lori Carangelo's name correctly, you make a play on her already published book called "Chosen Children" with your [koff koff] hahahahaha---snerk "original" prospectus entitled "The Chosen Child".
Methinks you'll probably end up self-publishing. LOL
You know, Bastard Nation actually has a page with a mission statement on it. Too bad you, with your "extensive impressive" research skills seemed to miss it.
Ignoring the sarcasm, “The Chosen Child” is a working title for a project two years old and since discarded. Had I continued with it, I would have preferred a title like “Who Was the Dumbass Who Gave Away Steve Jobs?” or “Sex Tips from Adopted Hotties” or “The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need (or Want).” Any other ideas for this book (which will never be written, I expect, and certainly never self-published) can be forwarded right away.
Anyone who thinks a mission statement has any relationship to the true beliefs of an organization must be looking forward to the Easter Bunny (or the fucked-up Italian bells) in a few weeks.
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