Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Tuesday Morning--Tech Request
I know a lot of Mac users read this blog, so I'll lay my problem bare and ask for help. My girlfriend has a G-5 with airport express. I have a G-4 with no airport card. How can our two computers grow to love each other the way my girlfriend and i do (and share an internet connection)? Best answer wins a cup of soup--your choice.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A Brief, Post-Blizzard, Response
Knowing how slapdash a writer I can be, my first response to reading criticism of what I’ve written is to think, “Why didn’t I reread, rewrite or fact check that sucker?” Looking over the comments written on yesterday’s adoption post, though, I feel pretty good about a piece I wrote two years ago and never submitted to anyone but my agent. In other words, boys and girls, it is a rough draft—not camera-ready copy.
That said, I’d like to respond to a few of the comments:
1) Anonymous said...
The JOY that adoption has brought to BIRTH PARENTS?
Shoot. I was supposed to get JOY by being forced to relinquish my first born.
No one told me.
Better go find that joy.
From reading that, it sure sounds as though I’d referred to some kind of happiness or bliss in relinquishing a child. Here, however, is what I actually wrote:
In The Chosen Child, I will present a balanced look at adoption, primarily through the words of members of the adoption "triad" (adoptees, adoptive families and birth families). To illustrate the joy that adoption has brought, I will interview a number of celebrity adoptees and adoptive parents (see Expanded Table of Contents Chapters Two and Three).
Clearly, “joy” refers to just two parts of the triad, not including birth parents.
Next, the comparison of adoption and slavery by Bastard Nation, denied by a number of commentators:
Marley Greiner said...
"I expect to interview Ms. Corangelo along with the founders of Bastard Nation, which likens adoption to slavery"
As co-founder and Executive Chair of Bastard Nation I am very surprised to read that BN compares adoption to slavery. Perhaps you mistook satire for policy. We have repeatedly ridiculed that idea.
BB Church said...
I served on the Executive Committee of Bastard Nation from 1997 to 2001, and have remained an active member up to the present. Bastard Nation has never, I repeat, NEVER, compared adoption to slavery. As a matter of fact, I have personally analyzed and criticized the hyperbolic comparison of US adoption and slavery on numerous public fora.
Lainie Petersen said...
I was one of the founders of Bastard Nation, and I do not recall us ever comparing adoption to slavery.
Sorry if this disappoints.
In an earlier post, I made reference to the quote from the April 2006 "Byline: Bastard Nation" (www.bastards.org/byline/bylinehome):
"Adoption remains the only institution in these here disUnited States other than slavery that keeps or has kept people from knowing their roots. Imagine that. Adoption; slavery. Adoption; slavery. Say it again and again and never forget it.
"Adoption; slavery.
"It took a war to bring about emancipation from one. What's it going to take to right the wrongs of the other?"
I'll admit a semi-colon is not a colon (or an equal sign, for that matter), however, I do think the parallel is clear here. Please bear in mind that this newsletter is an organ of Bastard Nation, or at least appears to go out under its name.
An anonymous poster said...
Oh dear. It seems your research and originality skills are sorely lacking.
Not only can't you spell Lori Carangelo's name correctly, you make a play on her already published book called "Chosen Children" with your [koff koff] hahahahaha---snerk "original" prospectus entitled "The Chosen Child".
Methinks you'll probably end up self-publishing. LOL
You know, Bastard Nation actually has a page with a mission statement on it. Too bad you, with your "extensive impressive" research skills seemed to miss it.
Ignoring the sarcasm, “The Chosen Child” is a working title for a project two years old and since discarded. Had I continued with it, I would have preferred a title like “Who Was the Dumbass Who Gave Away Steve Jobs?” or “Sex Tips from Adopted Hotties” or “The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need (or Want).” Any other ideas for this book (which will never be written, I expect, and certainly never self-published) can be forwarded right away.
Anyone who thinks a mission statement has any relationship to the true beliefs of an organization must be looking forward to the Easter Bunny (or the fucked-up Italian bells) in a few weeks.
That said, I’d like to respond to a few of the comments:
1) Anonymous said...
The JOY that adoption has brought to BIRTH PARENTS?
Shoot. I was supposed to get JOY by being forced to relinquish my first born.
No one told me.
Better go find that joy.
From reading that, it sure sounds as though I’d referred to some kind of happiness or bliss in relinquishing a child. Here, however, is what I actually wrote:
In The Chosen Child, I will present a balanced look at adoption, primarily through the words of members of the adoption "triad" (adoptees, adoptive families and birth families). To illustrate the joy that adoption has brought, I will interview a number of celebrity adoptees and adoptive parents (see Expanded Table of Contents Chapters Two and Three).
Clearly, “joy” refers to just two parts of the triad, not including birth parents.
Next, the comparison of adoption and slavery by Bastard Nation, denied by a number of commentators:
Marley Greiner said...
"I expect to interview Ms. Corangelo along with the founders of Bastard Nation, which likens adoption to slavery"
As co-founder and Executive Chair of Bastard Nation I am very surprised to read that BN compares adoption to slavery. Perhaps you mistook satire for policy. We have repeatedly ridiculed that idea.
BB Church said...
I served on the Executive Committee of Bastard Nation from 1997 to 2001, and have remained an active member up to the present. Bastard Nation has never, I repeat, NEVER, compared adoption to slavery. As a matter of fact, I have personally analyzed and criticized the hyperbolic comparison of US adoption and slavery on numerous public fora.
Lainie Petersen said...
I was one of the founders of Bastard Nation, and I do not recall us ever comparing adoption to slavery.
Sorry if this disappoints.
In an earlier post, I made reference to the quote from the April 2006 "Byline: Bastard Nation" (www.bastards.org/byline/bylinehome):
"Adoption remains the only institution in these here disUnited States other than slavery that keeps or has kept people from knowing their roots. Imagine that. Adoption; slavery. Adoption; slavery. Say it again and again and never forget it.
"Adoption; slavery.
"It took a war to bring about emancipation from one. What's it going to take to right the wrongs of the other?"
I'll admit a semi-colon is not a colon (or an equal sign, for that matter), however, I do think the parallel is clear here. Please bear in mind that this newsletter is an organ of Bastard Nation, or at least appears to go out under its name.
An anonymous poster said...
Oh dear. It seems your research and originality skills are sorely lacking.
Not only can't you spell Lori Carangelo's name correctly, you make a play on her already published book called "Chosen Children" with your [koff koff] hahahahaha---snerk "original" prospectus entitled "The Chosen Child".
Methinks you'll probably end up self-publishing. LOL
You know, Bastard Nation actually has a page with a mission statement on it. Too bad you, with your "extensive impressive" research skills seemed to miss it.
Ignoring the sarcasm, “The Chosen Child” is a working title for a project two years old and since discarded. Had I continued with it, I would have preferred a title like “Who Was the Dumbass Who Gave Away Steve Jobs?” or “Sex Tips from Adopted Hotties” or “The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need (or Want).” Any other ideas for this book (which will never be written, I expect, and certainly never self-published) can be forwarded right away.
Anyone who thinks a mission statement has any relationship to the true beliefs of an organization must be looking forward to the Easter Bunny (or the fucked-up Italian bells) in a few weeks.
Six Comments, All Negative--Novelistador Responds
In the words of the immortal Phil Rizzuto, "Holy Cow!" Five or six people take me to task for saying Bastard Nation has NEVER equated slavery and adoption. To set the record straight, here is a quote from the April 2006 "Byline: Bastard Nation" (www.bastards.org/byline/bylinehome):
"Adoption remains the only institution in these here disUnited States other than slavery that keeps or has kept people from knowing their roots. Imagine that. Adoption; slavery. Adoption; slavery. Say it again and again and never forget it.
"Adoption; slavery.
"It took a war to bring about emancipation from one. What's it going to take to right the wrongs of the other?"
I'll admit a semi-colon is not a colon (or an equal sign, for that matter), however, I do think the parallel is clear here. Please bear in mind that this newsletter is an organ of Bastard Nation, or at least appears to go out under its name.
I apologize for misspelling Ms. Carangelo's name.
Unfortunately for me, I'm in a blizzard and need to get to work. I will post a longer, more thoughtful response this evening.
"Adoption remains the only institution in these here disUnited States other than slavery that keeps or has kept people from knowing their roots. Imagine that. Adoption; slavery. Adoption; slavery. Say it again and again and never forget it.
"Adoption; slavery.
"It took a war to bring about emancipation from one. What's it going to take to right the wrongs of the other?"
I'll admit a semi-colon is not a colon (or an equal sign, for that matter), however, I do think the parallel is clear here. Please bear in mind that this newsletter is an organ of Bastard Nation, or at least appears to go out under its name.
I apologize for misspelling Ms. Carangelo's name.
Unfortunately for me, I'm in a blizzard and need to get to work. I will post a longer, more thoughtful response this evening.
Friday, March 16, 2007
The Chosen Child: Adoption Book Proposal
At the suggestion of a reader, I am posting a non-fiction book proposal for a book on adoption. This proposal is ready to be turned into a book if you are an agent or publisher. Just be in touch.
Overview
Sixty percent of Americans have been touched by adoption, having either a family member or close personal friend who is adopted, has adopted or has relinquished a child for adoption. For the vast majority of these people, adoption has been a positive and life-changing event, and two-thirds of Americans hold an extremely favorable view of adoption.
Still, the general literature about adoption, both in print and on the Internet, is often seedy and negative. The tone of many memoirs of adopted people or people who have relinquished children is filled with horror stories and unsubstantiated claims:
• Adoption is akin to slavery
• Adoption is a wound from which no one can recover
• Adoptive parents of international children are "harvesting" human beings
• Adoption leads to serial killing
• Adoptive parents are more likely to kill their children
The professional literature in both psychology and history is much more balanced and positive, but not many adopted people or their families read scholarly journals or books. Still, they do want to know that their choices were and are valid, and that they are not "primally wounded," as one author of an anti-adoption book wrote.
In The Chosen Child, I will present a balanced look at adoption, primarily through the words of members of the adoption "triad" (adoptees, adoptive families and birth families). To illustrate the joy that adoption has brought, I will interview a number of celebrity adoptees and adoptive parents (see Expanded Table of Contents Chapters Two and Three). Through both internet and face-to-face interviews arranged through various adoption support groups, I will show the face of adoption in America today. Preliminary discussions with people who have been affected by adoption leads me to believe the negative, critical attacks on the practice are unwarranted and insupportable.
While 63% of Americans hold a favorable view of adoption, naysayers vastly outnumber cheerleaders in terms of books written. As shown in the Market Analysis and Comparable Books section below, non-fiction books and memoirs about adoption are generally negative, with some going as far as equating adoption with slavery and attempting to connect adoption with serial murderers. While some historians and psychologists have taken a more positive view, their audience has been more professional than general.
I will provide a brief history of adoption in America, examine some famous (and infamous) adoptees, explore models of looking at adoption, and look at the “search” phenomenon, the desire to find and make contact with biological relatives.
I expect the final manuscript to be approximately 70,000 words and to be completed by mid-August, 2005.
Comparable Books
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky, Robin Marantz Henig, Marshall D. Schechter, Doubleday, 1992, Hardcover, Anchor 1993 paperback
The authors, a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a journalist, present a scholarly look at adoption. Following a model based on Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages of Personal Development, they look at adoption’s effect at each stage of a person’s life. The book is dry, and represents that 100% of adoptees “search” for their birth parents, although they broaden the meaning of the term to include “intrapsychic” searching, meaning fantasies and inner contemplation.
The Chosen Child takes a more measured and accessible approach. While including anecdotes about childhood fantasies of birth mothers—"She looked a lot like Mary Tyler Moore and would be sending a limo for me as soon as she finished shooting her current movie"—it is much more grounded in the notion that each of us can generate our own definition of success being who we are and where we are.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge, Dell, 1999, Trade Paperback
With more than 80,000 copies in print, this book is a prime example of the “adoptee as victim” view. With chapter titles like “I Need to be Taught that I Have Special Needs Arising from Adoption Loss” and “I May Appear to be More ‘Whole’ Than I Actually Am,” this book encourages adoptees to focus on loss rather than gain, and leads adoptive parents to view their children as damaged goods.
The Chosen Child instead encourages all people to recognize that the past is prologue rather than prediction. Adoption, or any other situation, does not need to define us. We can define ourselves.
Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter by Betty Jean Lifton, McGraw-Hill, 1975 Hardcover, St. Martin's Griffin, 1998 Paperback
This personal memoir, which has been in print 30 years, views adoption as something unnatural and, perhaps, evil. Throughout her long and successful career, Lifton has promulgated the notion that adoptees are not quite whole unless they reunite with their birth families.
The Chosen Child instead posits that each of us has “enough” of whatever we need to create success for ourselves. While in no way critical of adoptees who choose to search for birth relatives, I take a more bemused look at the issue.
Strangers and Kin: The American Way of Adoption by Barbara Melosh, Harvard University Press 2002 Hardcover
In this grand history of adoption in America, historian Melosh uses primary sources from the state of Delaware to explore how adoption has evolved over time. Dryly written, the book is aimed at a scholarly rather than general audience.
The Privilege of Youth: A Teenager's Story of Longing for Acceptance and Friendship by Dave Pelzer, Dutton, 2004, Hardcover, Plume, 2004, Paperback
With three books currently in the New York Times Best-Selling Paperbacks List, Pelzer’s message of self-reliance and hard work has clearly found an audience. Pelzer, however, was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother until the age of 12, and then placed into foster care. The Chosen Child has the same uplifting message, but is focused on a more traditional adoptive setting.
Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution Is Transforming America by Adam Pertman, Basic Books, 2000 Hardcover, Basic Books 2001Paperback
A former Boston Globe reporter, where he was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for his reporting on adoption, and current head of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, Pertman gives a combination of personal history as an adoptive father and journalistic research into the history and current state of adoption in America. Clearly favoring open adoption, in which the birth mother has some contact with the adopted child and family, Pertman presents a balanced view, although his book is aimed at social historians and policy makers, rather than a general audience.
The Chosen Child is a readable overview that will appeal to a general audience. While drawing upon the work of such writers as Pertman and Melosh, I am not an academic.
Marketing
The market for a positive look at adoption is large, wealthy and well educated.
• Up to 100 million Americans have been directly affected by adoption. It is reasonable to assume that a large number of these people have touched other lives in a significant way (e.g., spouses, boy/girlfriends, co-workers) and would provide referrals for an upbeat look at this experience.
• In 2000, families with adopted children earned $56,00, 17% more than families with biological children.
• Families with adopted children are 21% more likely to have a bachelor's degree and 33% more likely to have a graduate or professional degree.
• Because they have generally been vetted by a social service or other agency, and have incurred up to $50,000 in their search for a child, adoptive parents are committed parents.
This large market of wealthy readers has been under-served in its need for validation of its choice to adopt. The Chosen Child is a book that meets a definite desire and need.
Table of Contents
1) How It Used to Be: A Very Brief History of Adoption
2) Who’d Give Away Faith Hill or Steven Jobs? Celebrity Adoptees
3) Wow! My Parents Are Rich and Famous
4) You Broke My Heart, So I Busted Your Skull: Adoption and Serial Killing
5) Damaged Goods: The Victimification of Just About Everybody
6) Adoption = Slavery: Hyperbole at Its Finest
7) Finding the Grail—And How Holy Was It? Successful Searches for Birth Parents or Relinquished Children
8) I Know She’s Out There Somewhere: Unsuccessful Searches
9) Staring into an Open Grave: The Dead Parent or Child
10) A Certain Desire for Salty Foods: Birth Siblings
11) It Don’t Matter to Me: Adoptees Who Don’t Search Out of a Sense of Wholeness
12) It Would Kill Mom If She Found Out: Adoptees Who Don't Search Out of a Sense of Guilt
13) It Should Be Enough that I Didn't Abort: Birth Parents Who Don't Want to be Found
14) What’s the Romanian Word for Relinquish?: International Adoptions
15) Do I Need to Buy a Birth-Father’s Day Card? Open Adoption
16) What It All Comes Down To: A Conclusion
Expanded Table of Contents
1) How It Used to Be: A Very Brief History of Adoption
Before the 1930s, adoption was often informally arranged, and the notion of confidentiality was not considered. Any party in the adoption could find out the names of all the other parties. With the rise of social work as a profession, this informality was swept aside, in favor of state approval of each adoption and the anonymity of the people involved. While the number of annual adoptions peaked in 1970 at 175,000, it has seen a recent increase, particularly in international adoptions. Likewise, such organizations as Bastard Nation and AbolishAdoption have raised a voice of criticism of the practice.
2) Who’d Give Away Faith Hill or Steven Jobs? Celebrity Adoptees
While Dave Thomas was the most public and vocal spokesman about his adopted roots, celebrities from a variety of fields are adopted. To illustrate the adoptees experience, I will interview many of the following adopted celebrities: Debbi Harry, Jim Palmer (who is an adoptive father as well), Eric Dickerson, Daunte Culpepper, Faith Daniels, Edward Albee, Bo Diddley, Ray Liotta, Jack Nicholson, Damien Hurst, Melissa Gilbert, Antwone Fisher, Greg Louganis, Scott Hamilton, Lee Majors, Liz Phair, Jett Williams and Michael Reagan. Additionally, the lives of Truman Capote, Dave Thomas, John Lennon, J.R.R. Tolkien and Babe Ruth will be explored.
3) Wow! My Parents Are Rich and Famous
Adoptive parents have won Oscars, Emmys and World Championships. They are members of three different Halls of Fame. Because of the personal nature of the adoption experience, I will interview many of the following adoptive parents: Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton, Barbara Walters, Burt Reynolds, Dan Marino, Diane Keaton, George Lucas, Jamie Lee Curtis & Christopher Guest, Jill Krementz & Kurt Vonnegut, Jim Palmer, Joan Didion & John Gregory Dunne, Kate Jackson, Kirby Puckett, Kirstie Alley & Parker Stevenson, Magic Johnson, Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise, Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward, Sally Jessy Raphael, Sen. Gordon Humphrey, Sen. John McCain, and Stephen Spielberg.
4) You Broke My Heart, So I Busted Your Skull: Adoption and Serial Killing
In addition to the celebrities profiled in the previous two chapters, some infamous people have been adopted. Such murderers as David Berkowitz (Son of Sam), Ken Bianchi (Hillside Strangler and Joel Rifkin were adopted. A small but significant number of true-crime authors argue for a causal relationship between adoption and serial killing. Here, this argument is presented, along with a critical response.
5) Damaged Goods: The Victimification of Just About Everybody
The victim mentality maintains that adopted people and the biological parents who relinquished them are broken for life and need an eternity of “healing.” Money quote: “Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”—Unattributed posting on anti-adoption activist Lori Corangelo abolishadoption.com Web site. I expect to interview Ms. Corangelo along with the founders of Bastard Nation, which likens adoption to slavery.
6) Adoption = Slavery: Hyperbole at Its Finest
An argument put forth primarily by women who relinquished children and now regret their decision. The working model here is that their babies were harvested from them when they were young and unwise. This argument will be presented, along with a critical response.
7) Finding the Grail—And How Holy Was It?: Successful Searches for Birth Parents or Relinquished Children
Many adult adoptees have expended huge amounts of money and energy searching for birth parents or siblings. This chapter will consist of five to ten interviews with adoptees that have made contact with birth parents or siblings. Interview subjects will be found both on the Internet and through local newspaper advertising.
8) I Know She’s Out There Somewhere: Unsuccessful Searches
Five to ten interviews with adoptees currently searching for birth families.
9) Staring into an Open Grave: The Dead Parent or Child
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who discover their birth parents (or children) have died.
10) A Certain Desire for Salty Foods: Birth Siblings
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who have reunited with birth siblings
11) It Don’t Matter to Me: Adoptees Who Don’t Search Out of a Sense of Wholeness
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who express no interest in searching for birth family.
12) It Would Kill Mom If She Found Out: Adoptees Who Don't Search Out of a Sense of Guilt
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who would like to search for birth family, but are concerned about hurting the feelings of their families.
13) It Should Be Enough that I Didn't Abort: Birth Parents Who Don't Want to be Found
Five to ten interviews with birth parents who relinquished their children and have no desire for contact to be made.
14) What’s the Romanian Word for Relinquish?: International Adoptions
Over the last three decades, more than a quarter-million children have been adopted from abroad. This chapter will interview five to ten families who have adopted internationally and examine the challenges for international adoptees who want to search for their birth parents.
15) Do I Need to Buy a Birth Father’s Day Card? Open Adoption
Open adoption, in which the birth parent(s) maintain some form of communication with the children they relinquish, has become more popular over the past decade. This chapter will consist of interviews with five to ten families involved in open adoption.
16) What It All Comes Down To: A Conclusion
About the Author
Keith Howard is a writer, educator and entertainer. A nominee for European Military Journalist of the Year, Keith has published numerous op-ed pieces and essays on topics ranging from baseball to education to family issues. He began his career as a print journalist, writing straight news, features and a humor column, then moved into radio and theater.
For eight years, he directed and acted with the Clearway Improvisational Theater, which performed before more than 100,000 people nationwide. He is comfortable as a public speaker and has numerous appearances to his credit.
From 1988 until 2004, Keith ran alternative high schools, until leaving education to pursue a writing career. An active member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators, Keith has completed a young adult novel and an adult novel. He is currently working on a second young adult novel.
Keith lives in Nashua, New Hampshire, with his three daughters, two guinea pigs and a rabbit.
Writing Sample
It’s not often that the mail changes my life. Phone bills, supermarket flyers and invitations to further extend my already fragile credit are fine in their way, but they don’t lead to introspection and meditation. A while ago, though, I received a letter that did just that, hitting me like a meatball between the eyes.
Oddly, the envelope itself inspired dread, bearing the return address of the probate court in my hometown. Given that my life to this point has been criminally unremarkable, I assumed the envelope contained either a reminder of a long-forgotten debt or the news that my high school had reviewed its records and that my diploma had been revoked.
Instead, I found a pleasant letter from the probate judge telling me that a stranger and her social worker had found she and I had the same biological mother, she too had been placed for adoption at birth and she wanted to make contact with me.
As an adopted person, I’ve never used a phrase like “as an adopted person,” so the whole premise struck me as surreal. I’ve never really cared who my biological mother was. Instead, I’ve focused on what kind of father my children will have. Still, strange or not, I did have to respond to the request, so I wrote the following:
Dear Judge Cassavechia:
For the past 15 years I have spent my days helping adolescents with emotional difficulties recognize that their existence can offer meaning and purpose. I spend the rest of my life in nurturing and encouraging the search for meaning with my children. Life, for me, is filled with significance and purpose, with meaning pooling up like sunlight on a sheet of foil. Although I am a terrible poet, I do have poetic vision, with an ability to find connections between seemingly isolated objects and events. It is therefore very difficult for me to admit that I find meaningless the existence of a woman borne by the same woman who bore me. I find that I have no particular emotional response to this fact, nor any curiosity about this woman or her mother.
I am not a very philosophical man, at least in the sense of having a systematic belief system. In the choice between immanence and transcendence, I always choose the present and concrete over the ethereal and otherworldly. As H.L. Mencken remarked about philosophy in general, “We are here. It is now. The rest is all moonshine.” Because of this unusual situation, I have pondered and outlined a rough draft of a philosophy of life. This process has crystallized a number of previously unexpressed first principles. Please excuse the length of this letter, but I hope to make my intentions explicitly clear to you, the involved party from the State of New Hampshire and, most important, the woman who initiated this.
If I were asked to define myself by coming up with a list of 100 descriptive attributes, the list might begin with:
1. I am a father.
2. I am a teacher.
3. I am funny.
And so on, moving down toward the following:
37. I am a Red Sox fan.
38. I am a chess player who enjoys playing against superior competition, of which there is no shortage.
39. I am an Army veteran.
And conclude with:
98. I am a coffee drinker.
99. I worked my way through college and graduate school.
100. I am a good cook.
This hypothetical list, though, would probably not include the item “I am adopted,” for this fact forms almost none of my core identity.
When I do meet people who view their adoption as central to their humanity, I am vaguely amused, for adoption has had little significance in my life. Since our conversation, I have done a little Internet research into the world of adoption, primarily through reading postings at newsgroups devoted to the subject. I was shocked to find that thousands of people appear to devote considerable energy to tracking down biological parents, children and siblings. Most of the postings have a desperate, Holy Grail tone to them, as if successful detective work would somehow make the searcher whole.
Perhaps I have chosen massive denial as a strategy of coping with adoption, but the notion that one’s life is given purpose by the pursuit of another strikes me as pathetic and absurd. Pathetic because this is a sucker’s game: the elusive quarry is almost certainly not going to grant peace and serenity. Absurd because the random occurrence of a blood relationship guarantees no connection more profound than perhaps a certain physical similarity or a taste for salty foods.
Many of us have had the experience of traveling overseas and meeting someone who comes from the same state or region. This coincidence forms a short-lived bond that melts fairly quickly if there is no other connection to be made. Thus it is with adoption and me. Meeting someone who is adopted or interested in adoption is roughly akin to meeting a fellow New Englander in Vienna. I am interested enough to talk a bit, but the topic wears itself out fairly quickly. I would shy away from someone calling out in Heathrow Airport, “Hey, I’m from New Hampshire. Any other New Englanders here?” Similarly, adopted people using that fact as a calling card put me on guard.
Although I don’t much like labels, I believe some things that might be called “existentialist,” although they might just as easily be called common-sense conservatism.
First and foremost, I believe that what we do defines who we are. The “I” in each of us is the product of our experiences, those events which life has thrown at us, and, more important, our response to those events. Each situation in our lives offers the opportunity for choice and it is the patterns of those choices which create our identity. Without wanting to sound mechanistic, a human life is that set of patterns and rhythms created by the choices we make. Identity is the product of our responses to the chaotic events which life churns up over time.
This identity is being continually created, of course, so it also affects the choices we confront in our lives. As an example, a young person who is offered the opportunity to cheat on a test has at least two choices: politely refuse the offer or cheat.
If the young person takes the first choice, he discovers that he is becoming the sort of person who doesn’t cheat. The people around him are also learning this, so they are less likely to offer him the chance to cheat. This self-stoking cycle applies just as strongly in regard to positive options. We are always in a state of becoming who we are. There is no static “I,” there is a dynamic, ever-changing, and, one hopes, ever-improving “I.”
This philosophy leads directly to my feelings about my biological mother. My view of life is that each of us is born with certain biological strengths and limitations. The vast majority of us have “enough” of everything we need to be successful. The secret to that success doesn’t come, except in the case of professional basketball players and midget wrestlers, from the biology with which we are born, but from the psychology and sociology of our parents, which enables us to make good choices later in our lives. In the battle between nature and nurture, my money is on the importance of nurture.
For example, I was born with a brain capable of learning a lot of different information. My mother was a voracious reader who encouraged me to read broadly, deeply and until my eyes dried out. Whether I was reading comic books or Kafka, she urged me to read and think about what I was reading.
Likewise, I was born with potentially adequate hand-eye coordination and a body that would be capable of running fast. My father, who was a high-school phenom, drove me to baseball, soccer and track practice and attended every single one of my childhood and high school games, meets and tournaments, whether I was starting or riding the bench. In each of these examples, and in countless more, I was born with certain potential gifts and abilities but it was the nurturance of my parents and others who breathed reality into that potential.
If we can use the analogy of cards, my biological mother dealt half of my hand and left the table. It was my parents who taught me to play. In terms of influence on my life, my biological mother’s role is considerably less than that of my second-grade teacher, my old soccer coach, or even the friendly cashier at the local supermarket. In fact, if you had contacted me with information about Ben Roe, my elementary-school best friend, with whom I have not spoken since he moved away 35 years ago, my emotional response would have been immeasurably greater than it is under the present circumstances.
The difference between my relationship with the people mentioned above and my relationship with my biological mother is that I interacted with them, while I justresulted from an action of my biological mother, an almost certainly unintended consequence.
I have three young daughters, each of whom is wonderful in her own unique way. In a sense, I had nothing to do with which girl would have blue eyes, which would be left-handed and which would have dimples. I could not have chosen different attributes, for I had no choice. In fact, during the act that led to conception, babies were certainly far from my mind. I became my daughters’ father when I started to father them at birth, a dynamic and ongoing process. Until then, I was just a sperm supplier. By this light, my biological mother has had zero influence on who I am, for she had no control or influence over which genes she was passing on to me.
As a father, I know that the look I give when smiling into my eight-year-old’s face is the same look of love my father gave me when I was adopted. I love my children because of the time I spend with them and the dreams I have for them and because of the great people they are becoming, not because they are flesh of my flesh or bone of my bone.
In short, my need to find out more about the man who sired and the woman who bore me is nil. Nada. Zilch. With no bitterness or animosity toward either of them, and with thankfulness that neither of them appears to have passed on genes for madness or early-onset Alzheimer’s, I would say that I have no desire to discover these people. You have informed me that both my biological mother and father are dead. May they rest in peace.
Given that my need to establish any kind of contact is non-existent, I must consider those of my biological mother’s daughter, or my biological half-sister. While it is difficult for me to conceive of any questions that my identity could answer for this woman, the fact that she has initiated this process clearly indicates that she believes that finding me will be helpful to her.
My first response is that if she wishes to discover more about herself, she should start with a mirror. Likewise, if she wishes to discover more about her mother, that same mirror could be used to search for her mother’s effects on her. Still, I have no objection to some minimal amount of contact, as long as the following requests are accepted. I request that my biological half-sister
1. Understand that I am not her “long-lost brother.” I am a person who shares some genes with her,
2. Understand that I have no desire to enter a long-term relationship with her or any of her relatives,
3. Understand and respect my desire for privacy, and
4. Understand that I am a writer and that I may choose to write about this experience and publish these writings, promising to protect the anonymity of her and her mother.
As a practical matter, I would prefer that you forward me this woman’s name, telephone number and a convenient time to call. I will make every effort to place a phone call and to try to arrange for at least one face-to-face meeting.
Thank you, Your Honor, for your interest in this case. Until I hear from you, I remain
Sincerely yours,
Did I contact this woman? Yes.
Did we have a pleasant conversation? Yes.
Did I rethink my position as stated above, and become friends with this woman? No, not at all.
In fact, that is how the letter changed my life: it showed that I didn’t need to change my life all that much.
Overview
Sixty percent of Americans have been touched by adoption, having either a family member or close personal friend who is adopted, has adopted or has relinquished a child for adoption. For the vast majority of these people, adoption has been a positive and life-changing event, and two-thirds of Americans hold an extremely favorable view of adoption.
Still, the general literature about adoption, both in print and on the Internet, is often seedy and negative. The tone of many memoirs of adopted people or people who have relinquished children is filled with horror stories and unsubstantiated claims:
• Adoption is akin to slavery
• Adoption is a wound from which no one can recover
• Adoptive parents of international children are "harvesting" human beings
• Adoption leads to serial killing
• Adoptive parents are more likely to kill their children
The professional literature in both psychology and history is much more balanced and positive, but not many adopted people or their families read scholarly journals or books. Still, they do want to know that their choices were and are valid, and that they are not "primally wounded," as one author of an anti-adoption book wrote.
In The Chosen Child, I will present a balanced look at adoption, primarily through the words of members of the adoption "triad" (adoptees, adoptive families and birth families). To illustrate the joy that adoption has brought, I will interview a number of celebrity adoptees and adoptive parents (see Expanded Table of Contents Chapters Two and Three). Through both internet and face-to-face interviews arranged through various adoption support groups, I will show the face of adoption in America today. Preliminary discussions with people who have been affected by adoption leads me to believe the negative, critical attacks on the practice are unwarranted and insupportable.
While 63% of Americans hold a favorable view of adoption, naysayers vastly outnumber cheerleaders in terms of books written. As shown in the Market Analysis and Comparable Books section below, non-fiction books and memoirs about adoption are generally negative, with some going as far as equating adoption with slavery and attempting to connect adoption with serial murderers. While some historians and psychologists have taken a more positive view, their audience has been more professional than general.
I will provide a brief history of adoption in America, examine some famous (and infamous) adoptees, explore models of looking at adoption, and look at the “search” phenomenon, the desire to find and make contact with biological relatives.
I expect the final manuscript to be approximately 70,000 words and to be completed by mid-August, 2005.
Comparable Books
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky, Robin Marantz Henig, Marshall D. Schechter, Doubleday, 1992, Hardcover, Anchor 1993 paperback
The authors, a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a journalist, present a scholarly look at adoption. Following a model based on Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages of Personal Development, they look at adoption’s effect at each stage of a person’s life. The book is dry, and represents that 100% of adoptees “search” for their birth parents, although they broaden the meaning of the term to include “intrapsychic” searching, meaning fantasies and inner contemplation.
The Chosen Child takes a more measured and accessible approach. While including anecdotes about childhood fantasies of birth mothers—"She looked a lot like Mary Tyler Moore and would be sending a limo for me as soon as she finished shooting her current movie"—it is much more grounded in the notion that each of us can generate our own definition of success being who we are and where we are.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge, Dell, 1999, Trade Paperback
With more than 80,000 copies in print, this book is a prime example of the “adoptee as victim” view. With chapter titles like “I Need to be Taught that I Have Special Needs Arising from Adoption Loss” and “I May Appear to be More ‘Whole’ Than I Actually Am,” this book encourages adoptees to focus on loss rather than gain, and leads adoptive parents to view their children as damaged goods.
The Chosen Child instead encourages all people to recognize that the past is prologue rather than prediction. Adoption, or any other situation, does not need to define us. We can define ourselves.
Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter by Betty Jean Lifton, McGraw-Hill, 1975 Hardcover, St. Martin's Griffin, 1998 Paperback
This personal memoir, which has been in print 30 years, views adoption as something unnatural and, perhaps, evil. Throughout her long and successful career, Lifton has promulgated the notion that adoptees are not quite whole unless they reunite with their birth families.
The Chosen Child instead posits that each of us has “enough” of whatever we need to create success for ourselves. While in no way critical of adoptees who choose to search for birth relatives, I take a more bemused look at the issue.
Strangers and Kin: The American Way of Adoption by Barbara Melosh, Harvard University Press 2002 Hardcover
In this grand history of adoption in America, historian Melosh uses primary sources from the state of Delaware to explore how adoption has evolved over time. Dryly written, the book is aimed at a scholarly rather than general audience.
The Privilege of Youth: A Teenager's Story of Longing for Acceptance and Friendship by Dave Pelzer, Dutton, 2004, Hardcover, Plume, 2004, Paperback
With three books currently in the New York Times Best-Selling Paperbacks List, Pelzer’s message of self-reliance and hard work has clearly found an audience. Pelzer, however, was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother until the age of 12, and then placed into foster care. The Chosen Child has the same uplifting message, but is focused on a more traditional adoptive setting.
Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution Is Transforming America by Adam Pertman, Basic Books, 2000 Hardcover, Basic Books 2001Paperback
A former Boston Globe reporter, where he was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for his reporting on adoption, and current head of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, Pertman gives a combination of personal history as an adoptive father and journalistic research into the history and current state of adoption in America. Clearly favoring open adoption, in which the birth mother has some contact with the adopted child and family, Pertman presents a balanced view, although his book is aimed at social historians and policy makers, rather than a general audience.
The Chosen Child is a readable overview that will appeal to a general audience. While drawing upon the work of such writers as Pertman and Melosh, I am not an academic.
Marketing
The market for a positive look at adoption is large, wealthy and well educated.
• Up to 100 million Americans have been directly affected by adoption. It is reasonable to assume that a large number of these people have touched other lives in a significant way (e.g., spouses, boy/girlfriends, co-workers) and would provide referrals for an upbeat look at this experience.
• In 2000, families with adopted children earned $56,00, 17% more than families with biological children.
• Families with adopted children are 21% more likely to have a bachelor's degree and 33% more likely to have a graduate or professional degree.
• Because they have generally been vetted by a social service or other agency, and have incurred up to $50,000 in their search for a child, adoptive parents are committed parents.
This large market of wealthy readers has been under-served in its need for validation of its choice to adopt. The Chosen Child is a book that meets a definite desire and need.
Table of Contents
1) How It Used to Be: A Very Brief History of Adoption
2) Who’d Give Away Faith Hill or Steven Jobs? Celebrity Adoptees
3) Wow! My Parents Are Rich and Famous
4) You Broke My Heart, So I Busted Your Skull: Adoption and Serial Killing
5) Damaged Goods: The Victimification of Just About Everybody
6) Adoption = Slavery: Hyperbole at Its Finest
7) Finding the Grail—And How Holy Was It? Successful Searches for Birth Parents or Relinquished Children
8) I Know She’s Out There Somewhere: Unsuccessful Searches
9) Staring into an Open Grave: The Dead Parent or Child
10) A Certain Desire for Salty Foods: Birth Siblings
11) It Don’t Matter to Me: Adoptees Who Don’t Search Out of a Sense of Wholeness
12) It Would Kill Mom If She Found Out: Adoptees Who Don't Search Out of a Sense of Guilt
13) It Should Be Enough that I Didn't Abort: Birth Parents Who Don't Want to be Found
14) What’s the Romanian Word for Relinquish?: International Adoptions
15) Do I Need to Buy a Birth-Father’s Day Card? Open Adoption
16) What It All Comes Down To: A Conclusion
Expanded Table of Contents
1) How It Used to Be: A Very Brief History of Adoption
Before the 1930s, adoption was often informally arranged, and the notion of confidentiality was not considered. Any party in the adoption could find out the names of all the other parties. With the rise of social work as a profession, this informality was swept aside, in favor of state approval of each adoption and the anonymity of the people involved. While the number of annual adoptions peaked in 1970 at 175,000, it has seen a recent increase, particularly in international adoptions. Likewise, such organizations as Bastard Nation and AbolishAdoption have raised a voice of criticism of the practice.
2) Who’d Give Away Faith Hill or Steven Jobs? Celebrity Adoptees
While Dave Thomas was the most public and vocal spokesman about his adopted roots, celebrities from a variety of fields are adopted. To illustrate the adoptees experience, I will interview many of the following adopted celebrities: Debbi Harry, Jim Palmer (who is an adoptive father as well), Eric Dickerson, Daunte Culpepper, Faith Daniels, Edward Albee, Bo Diddley, Ray Liotta, Jack Nicholson, Damien Hurst, Melissa Gilbert, Antwone Fisher, Greg Louganis, Scott Hamilton, Lee Majors, Liz Phair, Jett Williams and Michael Reagan. Additionally, the lives of Truman Capote, Dave Thomas, John Lennon, J.R.R. Tolkien and Babe Ruth will be explored.
3) Wow! My Parents Are Rich and Famous
Adoptive parents have won Oscars, Emmys and World Championships. They are members of three different Halls of Fame. Because of the personal nature of the adoption experience, I will interview many of the following adoptive parents: Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton, Barbara Walters, Burt Reynolds, Dan Marino, Diane Keaton, George Lucas, Jamie Lee Curtis & Christopher Guest, Jill Krementz & Kurt Vonnegut, Jim Palmer, Joan Didion & John Gregory Dunne, Kate Jackson, Kirby Puckett, Kirstie Alley & Parker Stevenson, Magic Johnson, Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise, Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward, Sally Jessy Raphael, Sen. Gordon Humphrey, Sen. John McCain, and Stephen Spielberg.
4) You Broke My Heart, So I Busted Your Skull: Adoption and Serial Killing
In addition to the celebrities profiled in the previous two chapters, some infamous people have been adopted. Such murderers as David Berkowitz (Son of Sam), Ken Bianchi (Hillside Strangler and Joel Rifkin were adopted. A small but significant number of true-crime authors argue for a causal relationship between adoption and serial killing. Here, this argument is presented, along with a critical response.
5) Damaged Goods: The Victimification of Just About Everybody
The victim mentality maintains that adopted people and the biological parents who relinquished them are broken for life and need an eternity of “healing.” Money quote: “Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”—Unattributed posting on anti-adoption activist Lori Corangelo abolishadoption.com Web site. I expect to interview Ms. Corangelo along with the founders of Bastard Nation, which likens adoption to slavery.
6) Adoption = Slavery: Hyperbole at Its Finest
An argument put forth primarily by women who relinquished children and now regret their decision. The working model here is that their babies were harvested from them when they were young and unwise. This argument will be presented, along with a critical response.
7) Finding the Grail—And How Holy Was It?: Successful Searches for Birth Parents or Relinquished Children
Many adult adoptees have expended huge amounts of money and energy searching for birth parents or siblings. This chapter will consist of five to ten interviews with adoptees that have made contact with birth parents or siblings. Interview subjects will be found both on the Internet and through local newspaper advertising.
8) I Know She’s Out There Somewhere: Unsuccessful Searches
Five to ten interviews with adoptees currently searching for birth families.
9) Staring into an Open Grave: The Dead Parent or Child
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who discover their birth parents (or children) have died.
10) A Certain Desire for Salty Foods: Birth Siblings
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who have reunited with birth siblings
11) It Don’t Matter to Me: Adoptees Who Don’t Search Out of a Sense of Wholeness
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who express no interest in searching for birth family.
12) It Would Kill Mom If She Found Out: Adoptees Who Don't Search Out of a Sense of Guilt
Five to ten interviews with adoptees who would like to search for birth family, but are concerned about hurting the feelings of their families.
13) It Should Be Enough that I Didn't Abort: Birth Parents Who Don't Want to be Found
Five to ten interviews with birth parents who relinquished their children and have no desire for contact to be made.
14) What’s the Romanian Word for Relinquish?: International Adoptions
Over the last three decades, more than a quarter-million children have been adopted from abroad. This chapter will interview five to ten families who have adopted internationally and examine the challenges for international adoptees who want to search for their birth parents.
15) Do I Need to Buy a Birth Father’s Day Card? Open Adoption
Open adoption, in which the birth parent(s) maintain some form of communication with the children they relinquish, has become more popular over the past decade. This chapter will consist of interviews with five to ten families involved in open adoption.
16) What It All Comes Down To: A Conclusion
About the Author
Keith Howard is a writer, educator and entertainer. A nominee for European Military Journalist of the Year, Keith has published numerous op-ed pieces and essays on topics ranging from baseball to education to family issues. He began his career as a print journalist, writing straight news, features and a humor column, then moved into radio and theater.
For eight years, he directed and acted with the Clearway Improvisational Theater, which performed before more than 100,000 people nationwide. He is comfortable as a public speaker and has numerous appearances to his credit.
From 1988 until 2004, Keith ran alternative high schools, until leaving education to pursue a writing career. An active member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators, Keith has completed a young adult novel and an adult novel. He is currently working on a second young adult novel.
Keith lives in Nashua, New Hampshire, with his three daughters, two guinea pigs and a rabbit.
Writing Sample
It’s not often that the mail changes my life. Phone bills, supermarket flyers and invitations to further extend my already fragile credit are fine in their way, but they don’t lead to introspection and meditation. A while ago, though, I received a letter that did just that, hitting me like a meatball between the eyes.
Oddly, the envelope itself inspired dread, bearing the return address of the probate court in my hometown. Given that my life to this point has been criminally unremarkable, I assumed the envelope contained either a reminder of a long-forgotten debt or the news that my high school had reviewed its records and that my diploma had been revoked.
Instead, I found a pleasant letter from the probate judge telling me that a stranger and her social worker had found she and I had the same biological mother, she too had been placed for adoption at birth and she wanted to make contact with me.
As an adopted person, I’ve never used a phrase like “as an adopted person,” so the whole premise struck me as surreal. I’ve never really cared who my biological mother was. Instead, I’ve focused on what kind of father my children will have. Still, strange or not, I did have to respond to the request, so I wrote the following:
Dear Judge Cassavechia:
For the past 15 years I have spent my days helping adolescents with emotional difficulties recognize that their existence can offer meaning and purpose. I spend the rest of my life in nurturing and encouraging the search for meaning with my children. Life, for me, is filled with significance and purpose, with meaning pooling up like sunlight on a sheet of foil. Although I am a terrible poet, I do have poetic vision, with an ability to find connections between seemingly isolated objects and events. It is therefore very difficult for me to admit that I find meaningless the existence of a woman borne by the same woman who bore me. I find that I have no particular emotional response to this fact, nor any curiosity about this woman or her mother.
I am not a very philosophical man, at least in the sense of having a systematic belief system. In the choice between immanence and transcendence, I always choose the present and concrete over the ethereal and otherworldly. As H.L. Mencken remarked about philosophy in general, “We are here. It is now. The rest is all moonshine.” Because of this unusual situation, I have pondered and outlined a rough draft of a philosophy of life. This process has crystallized a number of previously unexpressed first principles. Please excuse the length of this letter, but I hope to make my intentions explicitly clear to you, the involved party from the State of New Hampshire and, most important, the woman who initiated this.
If I were asked to define myself by coming up with a list of 100 descriptive attributes, the list might begin with:
1. I am a father.
2. I am a teacher.
3. I am funny.
And so on, moving down toward the following:
37. I am a Red Sox fan.
38. I am a chess player who enjoys playing against superior competition, of which there is no shortage.
39. I am an Army veteran.
And conclude with:
98. I am a coffee drinker.
99. I worked my way through college and graduate school.
100. I am a good cook.
This hypothetical list, though, would probably not include the item “I am adopted,” for this fact forms almost none of my core identity.
When I do meet people who view their adoption as central to their humanity, I am vaguely amused, for adoption has had little significance in my life. Since our conversation, I have done a little Internet research into the world of adoption, primarily through reading postings at newsgroups devoted to the subject. I was shocked to find that thousands of people appear to devote considerable energy to tracking down biological parents, children and siblings. Most of the postings have a desperate, Holy Grail tone to them, as if successful detective work would somehow make the searcher whole.
Perhaps I have chosen massive denial as a strategy of coping with adoption, but the notion that one’s life is given purpose by the pursuit of another strikes me as pathetic and absurd. Pathetic because this is a sucker’s game: the elusive quarry is almost certainly not going to grant peace and serenity. Absurd because the random occurrence of a blood relationship guarantees no connection more profound than perhaps a certain physical similarity or a taste for salty foods.
Many of us have had the experience of traveling overseas and meeting someone who comes from the same state or region. This coincidence forms a short-lived bond that melts fairly quickly if there is no other connection to be made. Thus it is with adoption and me. Meeting someone who is adopted or interested in adoption is roughly akin to meeting a fellow New Englander in Vienna. I am interested enough to talk a bit, but the topic wears itself out fairly quickly. I would shy away from someone calling out in Heathrow Airport, “Hey, I’m from New Hampshire. Any other New Englanders here?” Similarly, adopted people using that fact as a calling card put me on guard.
Although I don’t much like labels, I believe some things that might be called “existentialist,” although they might just as easily be called common-sense conservatism.
First and foremost, I believe that what we do defines who we are. The “I” in each of us is the product of our experiences, those events which life has thrown at us, and, more important, our response to those events. Each situation in our lives offers the opportunity for choice and it is the patterns of those choices which create our identity. Without wanting to sound mechanistic, a human life is that set of patterns and rhythms created by the choices we make. Identity is the product of our responses to the chaotic events which life churns up over time.
This identity is being continually created, of course, so it also affects the choices we confront in our lives. As an example, a young person who is offered the opportunity to cheat on a test has at least two choices: politely refuse the offer or cheat.
If the young person takes the first choice, he discovers that he is becoming the sort of person who doesn’t cheat. The people around him are also learning this, so they are less likely to offer him the chance to cheat. This self-stoking cycle applies just as strongly in regard to positive options. We are always in a state of becoming who we are. There is no static “I,” there is a dynamic, ever-changing, and, one hopes, ever-improving “I.”
This philosophy leads directly to my feelings about my biological mother. My view of life is that each of us is born with certain biological strengths and limitations. The vast majority of us have “enough” of everything we need to be successful. The secret to that success doesn’t come, except in the case of professional basketball players and midget wrestlers, from the biology with which we are born, but from the psychology and sociology of our parents, which enables us to make good choices later in our lives. In the battle between nature and nurture, my money is on the importance of nurture.
For example, I was born with a brain capable of learning a lot of different information. My mother was a voracious reader who encouraged me to read broadly, deeply and until my eyes dried out. Whether I was reading comic books or Kafka, she urged me to read and think about what I was reading.
Likewise, I was born with potentially adequate hand-eye coordination and a body that would be capable of running fast. My father, who was a high-school phenom, drove me to baseball, soccer and track practice and attended every single one of my childhood and high school games, meets and tournaments, whether I was starting or riding the bench. In each of these examples, and in countless more, I was born with certain potential gifts and abilities but it was the nurturance of my parents and others who breathed reality into that potential.
If we can use the analogy of cards, my biological mother dealt half of my hand and left the table. It was my parents who taught me to play. In terms of influence on my life, my biological mother’s role is considerably less than that of my second-grade teacher, my old soccer coach, or even the friendly cashier at the local supermarket. In fact, if you had contacted me with information about Ben Roe, my elementary-school best friend, with whom I have not spoken since he moved away 35 years ago, my emotional response would have been immeasurably greater than it is under the present circumstances.
The difference between my relationship with the people mentioned above and my relationship with my biological mother is that I interacted with them, while I justresulted from an action of my biological mother, an almost certainly unintended consequence.
I have three young daughters, each of whom is wonderful in her own unique way. In a sense, I had nothing to do with which girl would have blue eyes, which would be left-handed and which would have dimples. I could not have chosen different attributes, for I had no choice. In fact, during the act that led to conception, babies were certainly far from my mind. I became my daughters’ father when I started to father them at birth, a dynamic and ongoing process. Until then, I was just a sperm supplier. By this light, my biological mother has had zero influence on who I am, for she had no control or influence over which genes she was passing on to me.
As a father, I know that the look I give when smiling into my eight-year-old’s face is the same look of love my father gave me when I was adopted. I love my children because of the time I spend with them and the dreams I have for them and because of the great people they are becoming, not because they are flesh of my flesh or bone of my bone.
In short, my need to find out more about the man who sired and the woman who bore me is nil. Nada. Zilch. With no bitterness or animosity toward either of them, and with thankfulness that neither of them appears to have passed on genes for madness or early-onset Alzheimer’s, I would say that I have no desire to discover these people. You have informed me that both my biological mother and father are dead. May they rest in peace.
Given that my need to establish any kind of contact is non-existent, I must consider those of my biological mother’s daughter, or my biological half-sister. While it is difficult for me to conceive of any questions that my identity could answer for this woman, the fact that she has initiated this process clearly indicates that she believes that finding me will be helpful to her.
My first response is that if she wishes to discover more about herself, she should start with a mirror. Likewise, if she wishes to discover more about her mother, that same mirror could be used to search for her mother’s effects on her. Still, I have no objection to some minimal amount of contact, as long as the following requests are accepted. I request that my biological half-sister
1. Understand that I am not her “long-lost brother.” I am a person who shares some genes with her,
2. Understand that I have no desire to enter a long-term relationship with her or any of her relatives,
3. Understand and respect my desire for privacy, and
4. Understand that I am a writer and that I may choose to write about this experience and publish these writings, promising to protect the anonymity of her and her mother.
As a practical matter, I would prefer that you forward me this woman’s name, telephone number and a convenient time to call. I will make every effort to place a phone call and to try to arrange for at least one face-to-face meeting.
Thank you, Your Honor, for your interest in this case. Until I hear from you, I remain
Sincerely yours,
Did I contact this woman? Yes.
Did we have a pleasant conversation? Yes.
Did I rethink my position as stated above, and become friends with this woman? No, not at all.
In fact, that is how the letter changed my life: it showed that I didn’t need to change my life all that much.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Into the Wayback Machine
In my first Blog post, I published the first chapters of three novels--On Account of Because, What Trouble Looks Like and First Chapter of Untitiled Book. Now that I've built up a readership of sorts, please let me know if you would like me to repost these, or, even better, put up a second chapter. Just write me at keithhoward@gmail.com
As the Traffic Shows, You Love Your Writing Prompts
What do you think about when you can't fall asleep?
Write the final paragraph of a story. Then, work backward to create the rest of it.
Write about where you first learned to do a particular activity (e.g., ride a bike, make change, etc.)
Write about a vacation taken in childhood
Write about something/someone that creeped you out
Continue this story: “By the time Mr. Zanorsky had arrived in Memphis, Annabella had already..."
Pretend you are a world famous musician about to release your first album. What is the title of your CD (and the name of your group, if you choose not to be a soloist.) Now write the name of 10 songs/movements you'd have on your debut CD.
Using only dialogue, write a story about a mother and her child in a playground. Now using the exact same dialogue, but adding descriptive text, write the same story, but imagine a stranger is watching the child intently.
List 50 things you'll never do.
Begin with "Today I will..." and write for 10 minutes.
Write a letter to the teacher who gave you a hard time in grade school or high school.
List three things you want to keep; three things you want to lose. Write from one or both lists whatever comes to you.
Imagine opening a medicine chest in a bathroom. List what you find there. Use these objects to begin your writing.
What is the strongest type of love? Why?
Use the first line of a nursery rhyme (take your pick) to start a story.
Make a list of 40 things that happened to you this month. They can be funny, embarrassing, happy, or infuriating. Then pick one from your list and write about it.
Write the final paragraph of a story. Then, work backward to create the rest of it.
Write about where you first learned to do a particular activity (e.g., ride a bike, make change, etc.)
Write about a vacation taken in childhood
Write about something/someone that creeped you out
Continue this story: “By the time Mr. Zanorsky had arrived in Memphis, Annabella had already..."
Pretend you are a world famous musician about to release your first album. What is the title of your CD (and the name of your group, if you choose not to be a soloist.) Now write the name of 10 songs/movements you'd have on your debut CD.
Using only dialogue, write a story about a mother and her child in a playground. Now using the exact same dialogue, but adding descriptive text, write the same story, but imagine a stranger is watching the child intently.
List 50 things you'll never do.
Begin with "Today I will..." and write for 10 minutes.
Write a letter to the teacher who gave you a hard time in grade school or high school.
List three things you want to keep; three things you want to lose. Write from one or both lists whatever comes to you.
Imagine opening a medicine chest in a bathroom. List what you find there. Use these objects to begin your writing.
What is the strongest type of love? Why?
Use the first line of a nursery rhyme (take your pick) to start a story.
Make a list of 40 things that happened to you this month. They can be funny, embarrassing, happy, or infuriating. Then pick one from your list and write about it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Even More Writing Prompts (At the Behest of a Number of Readers Grown Tired of Reading Longer, More Challenging Pieces)
K-SOFA Means Extrapolating from the Facts
Eighty-five percent of all life on Earth is Plankton.
Using your knowledge of the world, please estimate the percentage of life on earth of the following creatures. Most importantly, explain how you arrived at your figures.
Salmon
Squirrels
People with Red Hair
Elephants
Pigs
Pigeons
Dogs
Moose
K-SOFA Means Science is Not Scary
Read over the following descriptions of molecules and atoms and their relative size. Once you have done so, please write your own “picture story” about atoms and molecules.
If you took a glass of iced tea and magnified it until it was as large as the whole earth, each molecule of water would be about the size of a baseball.
How big is a molecule? If you were to make a pile of 10,000 average-size molecules, you could just barely see it as a tiny speck.
How big is a typical atom? Take the width of a human hair and divide it by two, then divide that by two, then divide that by two, and so on, until you have reduced each half by half a total of 20 times. That will be the width of a typical atom - roughly one millionth the thickness of a human hair. Now, just for fun, divide the width of the atom in half 13 times and you will have the width of its nucleus.
K-SOFA Means Divining the Future
Confused about the difference between molybdomancy and myomancy? We’re not surprised. Molybdomancers tell the future by dropping melted lead into the water; myomancers tell the future by watching the behavior of mice.
How do YOU tell the future? Please be specific and give five examples. Thank you.
K-SOFA Means the Beatles Were Way Overrated Then and Even More So Today
What are the names of the four musicians who were the Beatles?
The Beatles have sold over one billion recordings. If you stacked up all these cds, records and tapes, the pile would be almost 2,000 miles tall. What would you do with this pile?
Michael Jackson owns most of the Beatles copyrights. How does this make you feel?
Paul’s least favorite Beatles song is “Yesterday.” Sam’s least favorite Beatles song is “Hey, Jude.” Keith’s least favorite Beatles song is “Jumping Jack Flash.” What is YOUR least favorite Beatles song? Why? Second least favorite? Why? Third least favorite? Why?
K-SOFA Means J.D. Is Doing All His Work (or if he’s not, this might shame him into doing so)
At the age of two, Mozart could hear sounds and tell what pitch they were. There is a story that he heard a pig oink and yelled "G-sharp!" Someone duplicated the pitch on a piano, and discovered that it was indeed G-sharp.
Mozart started playing the piano at age three but not formally until age four. It was his choice. He started interfering with his sister's lessons so he could learn more. By age four he could learn a minuet within 30 minutes!
Mozart's full name was Johan Chrysostom Wolfgang Theophilus Mozart. Amadeus was just what people called him. His father called him Woferl.
One of Mozart's performing tricks, which he performed from the age of six, was to cover a keyboard with cloth so that the keys couldn't be seen, and then play music perfectly anyway.
Please use the facts above to write a story, essay, poem or song. Thanks a lot.
K-SOFA Means Large Mammals Are Very Big
The skin of a hippopotamus is a one-and-a-half inches thick and nearly bulletproof.
When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
The stomach of a hippopotamus is ten feet long.
Please write about a time when you either saw, dreamed or thought about a real, live hippo. Include facts, such as
1. What were you wearing?
2. Who was with you?
3. What did you think of the hippo?
4. What did the hippo think of you?
5. What happened.
NOTE: If you’ve never before even thought about hippos, please do so now.
K-SOFA Means “Thar She Blows”
Blue whales emit a loud low-pitched sound which can be picked over 500 miles away.
Sometimes people get athlete's foot. It seems rather trivial compared to what can happen to whales. Whales have been known to carry around up to one thousand pounds of barnacles
Whales have the worst bad breath imaginable. According to Herman Melville, who researched whales thoroughly for his novel, Moby Dick, "The breath of the whale is frequently attended with such an insupportable smell as to bring on a disorder of the brain."
So far, the biggest whale ever weighed (by calculations) was 170 tons, equal to more than four fully-loaded tractor-trailers.
A baby blue whale gains 200 pounds per day while drinking 50 gallons of milk. Her mom eats 4 tons of plankton out of the water every day.
Please write ten other facts about whales. When done, please show them to J.D. for his comments and signature.
K-SOFA Means One Dead Singer/Songwriter
WARREN ZEVON (1947 – 2003)
Warren Zevon was one of the many singer-songwriters to emerge from the hedonistic environment of Los Angeles in the mid-1970s, with quirky songs which stemmed from his own experiences. He later said, "I wrote my songs despite the fact that I was a drunk, not because of it", but his songs would have been very different without the wayward life style fuelling his imagination. His best-known hit was "Werewolves of London" in 1978, but Zevon's was a cult following and he never made it to the top of the tree. This can partly be attributed to his personal problems, but also to the fact that his raspy voice could give his often diverse tracks a similar sound. "I wish I could sing better," he would muse. "If only I could sing like Don Henley."
The seeds of Zevon's unusual songs can be found in his background. He was born in Chicago in 1947. His mother, Beverly, was a Mormon of Scots-Welsh descent and her strong-minded parents disapproved of her husband, William, a Russian-Jewish immigrant (whose surname had been Zevotovsky), who worked as a boxer and professional gambler. Warren's father was often away from home and when his parents divorced. Warren was not told about it by his mother until some months afterwards. Warren Zevon was a good scholar, but dropped out of high school because he was furious with a teacher who accused him of having had help in writing an essay. He was also a gifted classical pianist and throughout his life wrote classical music but, apart from a few interludes included on his albums, these compositions have not been recorded.
Zevon had to make his living through session work and writing commercials, and was then employed by the Everly Brothers as their pianist and musical director, but they rejected the song he wrote for, and about, their relationship, "Frank and Jesse James".
His first album for Asylum Records, Warren Zevon (1976), is an acknowledged classic of the singer-songwriter genre. It was produced by Jackson Browne and the guest musicians included Phil Everly, Lindsey Buckingham, Carl Wilson and Glenn Frey. Four of its songs were covered by Linda Ronstadt - "Hasten Down the Wind", "Mohammed's Radio", "Carmelita" and Zevon's self- mocking "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me", which became a US hit. Zevon alluded to his love of drinking and firearms in "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead":
Zevon's stage act included plenty of action, involving gunfire and strobe lighting. One critic likened it to putting Apocalypse Now on stage. The excitement of Zevon's live performances was captured in the album Stand in the Fire (1981), which was recorded at the Roxy in Los Angeles and dedicated to his friend the film director Martin Scorsese.
In 2003, Zevon recorded a new collection of songs, The Wind, which he regarded as a goodbye to his family and friends. The album, featuring Bruce Springsteen, Jackson Browne and Emmylou Harris, is due to be issued in the UK on 15 September. Its closing lines are, "These wheels keep turning, but they are running out of steam, / Keep me in your heart for a while." Warren William Zevon, singer and songwriter: born Chicago 24 January 1947; twice married (one son, one daughter); died Los Angeles 7 September 2003.
Warren Zevon wrote many strange songs. Please choose one of the following titles and write a brief essay stating what you think the song might be about:
“Mohammed’s Radio” “The Barricades of Heaven” “Quite Ugly One Morning”
“Splendid Isolation” “You’re a Whole Different Person (When You’re Scared)”
“Heartache Spoken Here” “Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead”
Eighty-five percent of all life on Earth is Plankton.
Using your knowledge of the world, please estimate the percentage of life on earth of the following creatures. Most importantly, explain how you arrived at your figures.
Salmon
Squirrels
People with Red Hair
Elephants
Pigs
Pigeons
Dogs
Moose
K-SOFA Means Science is Not Scary
Read over the following descriptions of molecules and atoms and their relative size. Once you have done so, please write your own “picture story” about atoms and molecules.
If you took a glass of iced tea and magnified it until it was as large as the whole earth, each molecule of water would be about the size of a baseball.
How big is a molecule? If you were to make a pile of 10,000 average-size molecules, you could just barely see it as a tiny speck.
How big is a typical atom? Take the width of a human hair and divide it by two, then divide that by two, then divide that by two, and so on, until you have reduced each half by half a total of 20 times. That will be the width of a typical atom - roughly one millionth the thickness of a human hair. Now, just for fun, divide the width of the atom in half 13 times and you will have the width of its nucleus.
K-SOFA Means Divining the Future
Confused about the difference between molybdomancy and myomancy? We’re not surprised. Molybdomancers tell the future by dropping melted lead into the water; myomancers tell the future by watching the behavior of mice.
How do YOU tell the future? Please be specific and give five examples. Thank you.
K-SOFA Means the Beatles Were Way Overrated Then and Even More So Today
What are the names of the four musicians who were the Beatles?
The Beatles have sold over one billion recordings. If you stacked up all these cds, records and tapes, the pile would be almost 2,000 miles tall. What would you do with this pile?
Michael Jackson owns most of the Beatles copyrights. How does this make you feel?
Paul’s least favorite Beatles song is “Yesterday.” Sam’s least favorite Beatles song is “Hey, Jude.” Keith’s least favorite Beatles song is “Jumping Jack Flash.” What is YOUR least favorite Beatles song? Why? Second least favorite? Why? Third least favorite? Why?
K-SOFA Means J.D. Is Doing All His Work (or if he’s not, this might shame him into doing so)
At the age of two, Mozart could hear sounds and tell what pitch they were. There is a story that he heard a pig oink and yelled "G-sharp!" Someone duplicated the pitch on a piano, and discovered that it was indeed G-sharp.
Mozart started playing the piano at age three but not formally until age four. It was his choice. He started interfering with his sister's lessons so he could learn more. By age four he could learn a minuet within 30 minutes!
Mozart's full name was Johan Chrysostom Wolfgang Theophilus Mozart. Amadeus was just what people called him. His father called him Woferl.
One of Mozart's performing tricks, which he performed from the age of six, was to cover a keyboard with cloth so that the keys couldn't be seen, and then play music perfectly anyway.
Please use the facts above to write a story, essay, poem or song. Thanks a lot.
K-SOFA Means Large Mammals Are Very Big
The skin of a hippopotamus is a one-and-a-half inches thick and nearly bulletproof.
When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
The stomach of a hippopotamus is ten feet long.
Please write about a time when you either saw, dreamed or thought about a real, live hippo. Include facts, such as
1. What were you wearing?
2. Who was with you?
3. What did you think of the hippo?
4. What did the hippo think of you?
5. What happened.
NOTE: If you’ve never before even thought about hippos, please do so now.
K-SOFA Means “Thar She Blows”
Blue whales emit a loud low-pitched sound which can be picked over 500 miles away.
Sometimes people get athlete's foot. It seems rather trivial compared to what can happen to whales. Whales have been known to carry around up to one thousand pounds of barnacles
Whales have the worst bad breath imaginable. According to Herman Melville, who researched whales thoroughly for his novel, Moby Dick, "The breath of the whale is frequently attended with such an insupportable smell as to bring on a disorder of the brain."
So far, the biggest whale ever weighed (by calculations) was 170 tons, equal to more than four fully-loaded tractor-trailers.
A baby blue whale gains 200 pounds per day while drinking 50 gallons of milk. Her mom eats 4 tons of plankton out of the water every day.
Please write ten other facts about whales. When done, please show them to J.D. for his comments and signature.
K-SOFA Means One Dead Singer/Songwriter
WARREN ZEVON (1947 – 2003)
Warren Zevon was one of the many singer-songwriters to emerge from the hedonistic environment of Los Angeles in the mid-1970s, with quirky songs which stemmed from his own experiences. He later said, "I wrote my songs despite the fact that I was a drunk, not because of it", but his songs would have been very different without the wayward life style fuelling his imagination. His best-known hit was "Werewolves of London" in 1978, but Zevon's was a cult following and he never made it to the top of the tree. This can partly be attributed to his personal problems, but also to the fact that his raspy voice could give his often diverse tracks a similar sound. "I wish I could sing better," he would muse. "If only I could sing like Don Henley."
The seeds of Zevon's unusual songs can be found in his background. He was born in Chicago in 1947. His mother, Beverly, was a Mormon of Scots-Welsh descent and her strong-minded parents disapproved of her husband, William, a Russian-Jewish immigrant (whose surname had been Zevotovsky), who worked as a boxer and professional gambler. Warren's father was often away from home and when his parents divorced. Warren was not told about it by his mother until some months afterwards. Warren Zevon was a good scholar, but dropped out of high school because he was furious with a teacher who accused him of having had help in writing an essay. He was also a gifted classical pianist and throughout his life wrote classical music but, apart from a few interludes included on his albums, these compositions have not been recorded.
Zevon had to make his living through session work and writing commercials, and was then employed by the Everly Brothers as their pianist and musical director, but they rejected the song he wrote for, and about, their relationship, "Frank and Jesse James".
His first album for Asylum Records, Warren Zevon (1976), is an acknowledged classic of the singer-songwriter genre. It was produced by Jackson Browne and the guest musicians included Phil Everly, Lindsey Buckingham, Carl Wilson and Glenn Frey. Four of its songs were covered by Linda Ronstadt - "Hasten Down the Wind", "Mohammed's Radio", "Carmelita" and Zevon's self- mocking "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me", which became a US hit. Zevon alluded to his love of drinking and firearms in "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead":
Zevon's stage act included plenty of action, involving gunfire and strobe lighting. One critic likened it to putting Apocalypse Now on stage. The excitement of Zevon's live performances was captured in the album Stand in the Fire (1981), which was recorded at the Roxy in Los Angeles and dedicated to his friend the film director Martin Scorsese.
In 2003, Zevon recorded a new collection of songs, The Wind, which he regarded as a goodbye to his family and friends. The album, featuring Bruce Springsteen, Jackson Browne and Emmylou Harris, is due to be issued in the UK on 15 September. Its closing lines are, "These wheels keep turning, but they are running out of steam, / Keep me in your heart for a while." Warren William Zevon, singer and songwriter: born Chicago 24 January 1947; twice married (one son, one daughter); died Los Angeles 7 September 2003.
Warren Zevon wrote many strange songs. Please choose one of the following titles and write a brief essay stating what you think the song might be about:
“Mohammed’s Radio” “The Barricades of Heaven” “Quite Ugly One Morning”
“Splendid Isolation” “You’re a Whole Different Person (When You’re Scared)”
“Heartache Spoken Here” “Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
